She shares this from bed day 4, though yesterday was a productive mostly bed day where I wrote while I cleaned the kitchen and then went back to bed. I took a nap before making dinner, and after dinner, I took a nap.

Had a throwing up panic attack last night. Guess who can’t handle Stranger Things? I guess, when shit feels more like a flashback than entertainment…it’s not…entertaining? That chick in the bathroom with the demon pounding on the bathroom door? Yeah, I ran outta the room, puked, cried, and crawled under my weighted blanket with all the meds. And yeah, I’m not exaggerating, that felt like a flashback to psychosis bc that’s how shit gets when you’re in a full blown psychotic break. The first one I had, a chick’s face melted off as she wished me a better tomorrow and demons made fun of me on the radio. This time was kinda like that scene in stranger things, but everywhere I went or turned to. It was that level of fear constantly for days until it broke. Or I broke it. Or I broke? Idk.

It was a weird reminder that nobody (except a pool of deeply talented, haunting musicians/comedians/artists/humans) gets what I am talking about when I attempt to explain how bad a psychotic break is. I’m telling you everybody and their mother has been saying I gotta see it, and I’ve had a feeling I prolly can’t do that just now, but peer pressure….This Uncanny Valley between someone whose rubber band never stretched so far, it snapped…’It makes me feel weirdly alone, but there’s this … quiet feeling of few understand how strong you gotta be to survive not one but 2 psychotic breaks…not to mention being this lucid, what, 3 weeks out? Oh shit, no. The psychotic break started a month ago. No wonder I’m so tired. The psychosomatic toll alone… uf.

I don’t even remember what day I was involuntarily committed (to the finest mental hospital I’ve had the privilege of inpatient-ing). At first, they put me in the low functioning ward, I guess because I couldn’t talk and if they got me to talk, I’d babble shit that made no sense. The first 2/3 days I was there til I got bumped up to high functioning, I didn’t know where I was, and people kept screaming, and fighting, and punching walls and shit. I felt like that chick in the bathroom, and I didn’t have my glasses, so I couldn’t mark time or days. So, I was sitting in my room, on my bed, rocking back and forth, covering my eyes and ears begging “please stop! Please!” Did someone say….Flashback!

And that made me flashback to screaming strapped down in an ambulance not to take me to the hospital and swearing I’d jump out. I’ve never felt so fucking metal in my life, I daresay.

Psychotic, Machinehead: https://youtu.be/kvjqw7YZ_WE

They say life imitates art… 🤮 so thanks to 3 days in a row of panic attacks, last night being a last minute surprise at about 10:30… we get…aaaanother bed day!!! Wooooo!!! 😴 I feel Bukowski so deeply, I just can’t drink like he did no more. (New skill unlocked, I get panic attacks if I get drunk!)

Psychotic Break, Jerry Cantrell <<makes everybody else uncomfortable 🧐