“I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain, somehow I’m still here to explain..that the darkest hour never comes in the night. You can sleep with a gun, when you gonna wake up and fight?”
“I’m so sick of this tombstone mentality, if there’s an afterlife, it’ll set you free. But I’m not, gonna part the seas, you’re a self-fulfilling prophecy.” ~Sound of Madness, Shinedown
Did you ever hear the story about Jim Carrey writing himself a $10m check? It goes something like this, he wrote a $10m check to himself, dated it a year later, and carried it in his wallet. I think it was a week before the check was due, so to speak, he landed The Mask for $10m. Naturally, I heard that story, wrote myself a check, did nothing with it, and it hasn’t worked (yet). I think I figured out why this ass couldn’t cash her check – yet.
I’m a stickler for words and vocabulary is an obsession for me. I forget which author said it, but someone said there is always a better or stronger word to convey meaning – don’t be lazy and use more words – use fewer, better words. The kids made me take a vocab test once, and my results were “human dictionary”. (weird flex, bruh) I’ve never been able to do the baby talk thing with the kids, and neither does the husband. I’ve chuckled a few times seeing other people’s faces with the vocab I use with them. But, I want them to have an expansive vocabulary. I’ve heard the kids spit out some … expressive language in impressive and shocking ways:
“Move, asshole” from my then 3-year-old son at a stop sign, stated with perfect intonation and inflection.
“Nuh-uh, fuckstick” stated my angelic 5-year-old daughter.
My absolute favorite one, though, is when the kids got obsessed with Baby Got Back because it is their mother’s favorite song. This blog, like the Shitty Beetles, isn’t just a clever name. I really do have a thing for butts. …I digress
One day, my youngest drew butts at school. My daughter informs me, “ZJ was drawing butts at school today.” (internal snicker, forced straight face, stern voice) “ZJ, we don’t draw butts at school.” This kid deadpans, looks me right in the eye, and declares, “What? I draw big butts and I cannot lie.” I laughed so fucking hard, tears spilled down my cheeks and my soul left my body. Kid 1- Mom 0 that day.
I’ve also gotten “I was being hyperbolic, Mo-other.” with accompanying eye rolls from the pre-teen fuckstick. So hey. The point is, that the kids, like the universe/God/whoever are always listening, learning, and repeating – for better or worse.
One of the things I really get on the kids about is “yet”. For all of my vocab skillz, that three-letter monosyllabic word is one of the most impactful, powerful, and transformative words in the known lexicon. Any time the kids say they “can’t” do something, anything like that, correction is immediate and emphatic: “yet.” “you can’t do [whatever] Yet.” and then I get the Mo-other look, and I get a sulky “Yet”.
If needed, I give the speech: If you say you can’t, you can’t. If you can’t yet, there’s plenty of room to figure it out.” or I give them the Boss Baby/Henry Ford quote. And I get more eyes rolled at me.
I’m telling you, the true blessing of being a Mother is learning constantly how utterly fucking stupid I am. They remind me, constantly. They’re all little Krishna’s, leading me to truth. Yet, despite my profound idiocy, they all catch themselves and say yet.
My daughter had nothing better to do but talk to me the other day. She said, “So I was telling my friend what you taught me – about how the universe listens to everything you say, and it can only do what you say. If you say I can’t, or won’t, you won’t. but if you say you will, you are more likely to do it.” As I reeled from shock, she goes on, “So, I will get my work done today, and then I’ll be on summer break.”
Never one to pass a teachable moment, I added, “Yes, and remember your brain is like a German Shepard on a scent – if you say I will get work done…it will find the way to do it, but actually even more powerful is I Am. I Am getting work done. And if you think about it, it’s already true – you already got work done today. If you tell your brain or your dog I am…” She interrupts, “I Am getting my work done today, and I am starting summer break.”
She was right.
All these words become 3: Self-Fulfilling Prophecy.
The simplest way I think about it is (I grew up in Catholicism) when Moses asked God for his name, God replied, “I am that I am”. It made more sense once I took it literally.
Anytime the words I Am are stated – is it the name of God invoked, and the words that follow are .. invocation? prayer? self-fulfilling prophecy? It’s like I said to my daughter, the universe/God/whatever you believe, can only affirm what you’re saying. That’s how powerful words are, fuckstick.
Before I remembered that, I invoked a lot of weird shit in my life because I didn’t get the power of my words. It wasn’t until the kids started using my words, I realized I better start watching my mouth. I was far less concerned about cuss words than I was about actual curses. The ones like “I am fat” “I am worthless” “I am depressed” “I am a failure” “I am broke” and on and on.
Can you imagine if Jeff Goldblum ever stumbles on this blog? I’ve been picturing it the last few days, and it is cracking me up. He will. Lots of people will stumble on this blog, and lots will remember things that I’ve remembered if they want. I know, because I already wrote this post a few years ago before I deleted the blog. I said then, “the butt will grow” and I’ve learned many lessons from that declaration. The most important being: be specific. Like, really hone it in. My butt blog and literal ass have grown for sure, but(t) it feels like there’s a lot of junk in these trunks. I feel some amendments are due thanks to spiraling back to higher levels of wisdom.
I suppose it’s something like, the right people* find my butt blog, dig the shit out of it, and help that butt grow by spreading it. (oooh phrasing ooooh) My literal butt, however, is toning on the journey to twerking.
I know it’s true because it’s already happening. The butt is spreading and quite successful.
*including but not limited to, the Blum
In short, if you want to write a $10m check to yourself and cash it, it’s going to take a lot of big thoughts, that create big words, that create big actions. Otherwise, your mouth will write checks that your ass can’t cash. I don’t know about you, but like Jim Carrey, this ass has some bigass checks to cash.
As always, thank you for taking the time to read what my itchy butt has to say, have an awesome day and make an even better tomorrow. I’ll see you then.
Mah Butt Itches 