Learning to listen

Do you know the story of Abraham almost sacrificing his son because he was told to? I’ve been thinking about that lately. Like, what if he was schizophrenic? What if the bible is a lot of mentally ill people doing things that we call mentally ill? That’s a weird start, but that’s where I’m starting. I’ve just been thinking about this a lot lately. Like, how do we differentiate between hearing good voices and bad voices? How can bipolar mania be differentiated from divine mania? Or miracles be differentiated from hallucinations? I’m not saying I have an answer, of course I don’t. I just would like to know how somebody tells the difference, because I’d suppose if I suddenly said the lord told me to sacrifice a child, I’d at least get a call to CPS. But this was a story I read all in school, and it was spoken of heroically. I’m not saying it isn’t, I am just curious how anyone can tell the difference. Is it just history? Did Jesus seem batshit crazy then, and he’s wise now?

That’s been kind of blowing my mind lately. The people that achieve greatness while they’re alive are really special, because a lot of greatness seems to come after you’re dead. Look at basically anyone from history. But like, there were some people that seemed genuinely looney toons and they turned out to be just ahead of the curve. And in the case of Abraham, I mean, he almost killed his kid for God. But if that happened now, wouldn’t he be called crazy?

What determines crazy?

I’ve asked myself that a million times because I’m always so afraid of the word, but isn’t it just perspective? If I was a religious person, I’d read that as a test of faith. If I wasn’t, I would read it as an act of lunacy.

And that kind of fascinates me because I think about how in other cultures, mentally ill people would likely be seen as Shamans or in need of training whereas here it’s starting to become slightly less stigmatized. In other cultures, there seems to be a way better understanding of the link between spirituality and mental health. I don’t think it’s discussed quite enough here in the States. Like, what if the rising rates of depression are like spiritual crises, and people who are struggling are really just in need of some kind of spiritual intervention? I’m not even saying what, I don’t know. But, what if on some level, brains are sick because connections to God are sick?

I do not know where I’m going with this. My children are out of the house and I wanted to sit down and write something because I’ve been in a massive funk and I don’t know who I am again anymore. I am on day 5 of quitting smoking while surrounded by wildfire smoke that won’t seem to go away.

What if all the people in the bible were just called crazy? I mean Jesus said he talked to God, couldn’t he be schizophrenic? There’s plenty of homeless people in Reno that also probably have talked to God. What’s the difference?

Would the world be so sick if more people did talk to God?

I think I talk to God sometimes. But I don’t trust it enough, because I’m not sure if it’s crazy. I have yet to understand the line of listening to this voice gets your name in a bible or some such, and listening to that voice puts you in a padded room for a minute. But then, I think maybe I should stop thinking that way because that’s probably why you’re confused in the first place. Does that make sense? I always wonder wat the world is like inside other people’s heads. Mine is constantly busy and talking, but there are apparently other people that hear nothing at all.

But that’s what I mean, how do I know which stream of thought to even listen to, if any? How did Abraham know to listen to sacrificing his son and not sacrificing his son? I’m honestly kind of jealous, I want to have that kind of conviction that my brain told me to do something that sounds absolutely asinine and I’m doing it. That’s what this post is I suppose. That’s what quitting smoking in the middle of an absolute shitstorm in my life – like the kind of time you’d smoke more? I’m not smoking. I’m trying this whole thing out because I’m tired of being sick and feeling crazy. I thought maybe if I listened to the voices in my head more, they’d quiet down and maybe it would be more clear and I would end up being like Abraham or someone cool from history. I just have to imagine that the people that trust themselves to the degree that they’re actually fine with being crazy to every other person except themselves is the definition of sanity. And that’s what I’m working toward.

I’m glad I wrote about this, cause now I get why it’s been on my mind. 🙂