“Women have a predestination to suffering”

Today, 6 days out…

Finally got sleep last night. Passed out before 8. I’m closer to where I had wanted to be to leave for the beach, a day late.

There’s so many things to do for the movers, we are going to do showings this week, so I needed to get some order for both. There is so much anxiety trying to essentially pack and plan for 4 different threads. And yeah, I’m the Mom, so I’m one handling most of it. I’m packing for beach, road trip, living without our stuff for potentially a week until the movers come, and being ready for the movers.

Evan has been working like crazy. There’s been nights he’s still working at 8. We’re both on fumes. He passed out on the couch for a few hours yesterday. I keep making piles for him of like “trash? Donate? Idk?”

I knew this was going to be hard in the same way I knew giving birth would be hard. No book or horror story prepared me for giving birth to Olivia and bursting every blood vessel in my face and eyes long after the epidural wore off. I guess that’s why this all feels familiar and I feel like I’m leading this pack through the woods of suffering.

My example was collapsing in bed before 8 sobbing and feeling like an overtired toddler. Earlier, I let the panic attack I’ve been “remind me in 3 hours” hit and I stuttered. I sobbed. It felt so similar to the days before I went to the mental hospital in psychosis. I remember sobbing to Evan how tired I was and begged him to just hold me til I fell asleep. It was the same scene for me. There’s something about nuzzling up to Evans heartbeat that makes everything okay. I remember telling him when we first started dating he was the first person to make me feel safe.

I heard evan and the boys researching the mountains. It was Tyler’s idea. At some point, Livie was cuddling in bed with me. Later, Tyler and Zack. Zack has pretty much been my shadow for weeks. He’s currently asleep on the couch because he followed me down when I woke up. I slept til 6 – that feels like sleeping in lol.

I know it’s all going to be okay. I could hear in the boys voices as Evan pointed out the different mountains that we will be living by that it’s going to be okay. I could hear in Livie’s voice she’s okay.

We’re all goo right now. We’re not really caterpillars, but we’re not butterflies either. It’s all disintegrating. And it’s so good none of us are blocking this but all feeling it. Together. The trust, the love, there is a new family being formed right now. It’s truly incredible, when you have some sleep to think clearly. I am so deeply blessed and humbled to watch this beauty. To experience it, even the pain, is a once in a lifetime adventure. I’m currently weeping with gratitude.

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