Can’t have Catharsis without Stars

Fortunately, astrology is a peek behind the curtains, so when my house and the torrential downpour didn’t make a good match, I had a chuckle as I saw everyone else have disasters too. Mars squared Uranus, Neptune and Pluto in retrograde. The action oriented energy opposing the planet of chaos, the unexpected, and disasters, while emotions and the unconscious are having a look at the past, and we had an unprecedented downpour – water being symbolism of emotions, chaotically came on in my house, and forced me to choose to act in my new ways and live my new life. I melted down for 5 minutes and then realized it’s out of my hands. I went to laughing, shaking my head, and getting set further behind when I was already behind schedule. I went to bed early, drained.

When I wasn’t sure how to handle everything with the house, it was a reservation inspired by mercury retrograde. Then I realized it’s not in my control still, laughed, and stopped worrying about it. The more I worry about it, the harder it gets. The house selling isn’t in my hands.

When I woke up today in the midst of this insanity of my life and see my period started the day before the full moon and lunar eclipse? I’m just gonna effing laugh because I don’t have any negatives to work through anymore on that bad boy.

Since I worked with my therapists about the 20 plus years of trauma and compounded trauma, my reproductive system isn’t as triggering. When I started observing myself, I realized after a few months I would have a panic attack whenever my period started. I have been so busy, I forgot to take note of my cycle. Period panic attacks are pretty uncommon, but I’m not surprised it’s happening now.

There’s so many planets in retrograde which is usually about peeking at the past, the eclipses are all about getting into touch with the shadows and uncovering the truth. It tends to be that situations will mirror the past to give you an opportunity to reflect on your growth. Depending on signs and natal charts, there are specific areas highlighted or under increased pressure from an astrological perspective. Libras are one of the four signs getting hit hardest. (Aries, Capricorn, and Cancer are the other lucky signs.)

The new moon and eclipse were in cancer, the full moon and eclipse are in Capricorn. The lunar nodes in your natal chart can give insight into where the eclipse and moons would be pulling from memories/traumas/past. Cancer/Capricorn nodes will have heightened pressure. I have that too. It comes back to letting go of x to make room for y, and regardless of signs, houses, etc. everyone is going through it to varying degrees and awareness.

Cancer is the mother, nurturing, childhood and Capricorn’s are about home and truth. That’s where all my work has been completing. Most of my troubles have been around my own reproductive system.

August 2016, I became aware of period panic attacks. I started talking to my psychologist about the pregnancy and adoption at 19. I finally opened up about the abortions I was torturing myself with guilt over. After a few months of working through all the repressed emotions and finally connecting with feeling like I did a good thing, the panic attacks stopped. Ironically, good memory and all, I went into the mental hospital for the first time when I had my period. I also had my period right before going in to the hospital where they cold turkeyed me off lexapro and broke my bladder. The catalyst, if you will.

In May 2017, I began speaking about the depression that followed my period. It could span 1 to 8 weeks. From reviewing my journals, I realized it always followed my period.

If this resonates – literally make a big notation at the beginning of every journal entry you write when during your period. I’d just do ***PERIOD*** then before appointments, I would skim recent entries post period, and go back to old journals and see where I’m at…when I started looking at moods, I would rate anxiety and depression on 1-10 scales. it became glaringly obvious how much my tones and focus in writing would change AND that helped me start realizing I was depressed when I had depression.

The medications began ruining my life as much as my period was. The Latuda that was supposed to stop depression stabilized me in depression. It would take months before I could see the sky again. I started having lock jaw and dystonia, and ended with almost my entire body being covered in bruises, barely being able to walk from the pain and being back in an ER terrified.

In January 2019, I spoke for the first time about being raped 3 times. One of which was when I got pregnant at 19. This was the first time I consciously realized and accepted that the blame and guilt I had carried for almost 2 decades wasn’t even mine to carry. In May 2019, I stopped speaking to my family after me opening up about these truths as part of recovery sparked an accusal of attention seeking behavior from my father. The straw that broke the camels back for me.

The fact I can succintly and matter of factly type those words is so much freaking validation. Omg. After my session two weeks ago, it took me 6500 words and 1 revision to start the healing process. The rapes took me about 50,000 words and at least 5 drafts before I could talk about it. Until I wrote those 6500 words, I could barely write. This is such a Richard Gere moment, people. I need to go take a bath with Evan and play Prince!!!

In May, I also was taken off all medicines besides ADHD daily, b6 and ibuprofen for my period week.

Last week, I was able to give myself permission to let go of all of the people and traumas that have hurt me. I was finally able to find and comfort my inner child in various situations. It didn’t take me any words, or drafts, or revisions because that was the end of all of this healing process.

In under 3 years, I went from “typical unstable med noncompliant bipolar” to everything there plus “recent psychotic episode” to “deeply traumatized young woman who has been misdiagnosed and overmedicated for 7 years and is in recovery”

PTSD – my life has trained my brain to fight or flee from love. It’s that simple, and it’s a Hell I hope I never know again. It’s a Hell I hope to God I can help someone else transform. What a veteran of war experiences, I experience too, except mine happens with my period, with love, with affection, and with asking people for help

I embraced those who rejected me and longed for their acceptance – because this was love. I rejected those who loved me and regarding them with suspicion and cruelty because they are freaks. My children, thankfully, showed me how love is, and from them, I found my own. I broke the cycle.

Abused people who don’t heal their abuse go on to abuse people. I will not have my children suffer my yesterdays, and my husband has held on for dear life as he played the role and felt the terror of being projected and cast as a representative of every man in my life. All this for being the only man to ever make me feel safe.

Anyone who hurt me is a hurt person. All I see is pain, and I can only forgive and have compassion for all of the pain in my past. My present, however, is moving on. Literally and figuratively.

My therapist – who had said she didn’t think I’d be able to heal before I left, said “Daina, you said you wanted to heal. You are an amazing woman. I have never experienced this kind of growth so quickly. Thank you for working with me”. I said “thank you for helping me save my life.”

My period went from ruining my life and sending me into depression for weeks at a time to a deep, reflective, introspective time, coupled with creativity and inspiration.

Not exactly a great time to be doing as much as I need to do, and all I’ve wanted is to write and have time to me. But the libra in me says balance and that’s why I’ve been making sure I at least write here and let it out somewhere somehow. I figure if I can balance writing and all of this, I can never have an excuse in Nevada. Clearly, my body is letting go, the Stars are letting go, and my life is letting go.

My favorite song for all of this work has been Catharsis by Machinehead. It just makes it all feel so much better. The whole album is a masterpiece and is the soundtrack of all of this for me.

The full moon begins tomorrow, coupled with a lunar eclipse. It seems beautifully fitting that the full moon and the power of an eclipse happen in this last week. Full moons are all about letting go – usually clearing out whatever is blocking you from the intention of the new moon. The last new moon I just said I am okay. Present tense, it is okay.

I just wanted my past where it belongs because that is shit I refuse to pack.

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