Needed time alone today. I was supposed to see my friend, and I realized I just couldn’t handle being around people today. Well, people more than usual. I cleaned my bathrooms, and went to my favorite place in the world.
It’s nothing remotely profound, except it felt big for me. I always try to make everyone else happy, take care of everyone else, and I get tired of perpetually running on fumes. Sometimes, you need to just get lost for awhile.
I found a trail and I followed it all the way to the end. I hiked for an hour and a half to get to the top two pictures. I got lost a few times, but kept looking for trail markers and pushing myself. I’ve never gone this far at my hiking spot, and it was the first time I went that far alone. It was silent. Me, my breath, my chattering monkey brain. A fool persisting in the folly of quieting the brain.
I realized something so simple it felt silly I hadn’t before. Meditation and mindfulness are do not disturbs to your thoughts. If you try to quiet them, they’ll just chatter at you more, but really all they are just notifications. Alerts. They don’t stop, unless they stop, but you can’t make them stop. There were many times on my hike I felt the bliss of silence. And when I felt the mind start to go, I just said thank you. And I found more.
Sometimes, I’m more likely to believe my mind is a computer with 1000s of tabs open, and my anxiety, depression and all the other noise are glitches from overuse.
I’ve been annoyed with my phone, with talking to people so much, etc. I just want to apparently be a curmudgeonly hermit. I started disabling notifications left and right, I leave my phone on do not disturb, and I am trying to use it less. I realized all these inputs in my face are new tabs/thoughts/glitches.
My thoughts and phone are being disregarded more, but it is very nice to capture these moments too. I can always see the first time I really went outside my comfort zone hiking wise, and I could never have imagined this.
I know I can’t drop everything and hike every day. I know I won’t ignore my phone every day. I used to think I had to always be a certain way to find whatever I was looking for. I’m only now realizing all of that is irrelevant. At this point, I have no idea what I’m looking for, and that has me very, very excited. Because when you have no clue what to expect, you find heaven on earth.