Get Lost

Needed time alone today. I was supposed to see my friend, and I realized I just couldn’t handle being around people today. Well, people more than usual. I cleaned my bathrooms, and went to my favorite place in the world. 

It’s nothing remotely profound, except it felt big for me. I always try to make everyone else happy, take care of everyone else, and I get tired of perpetually running on fumes. Sometimes, you need to just get lost for awhile. 

I found a trail and I followed it all the way to the end. I hiked for an hour and a half to get to the top two pictures. I got lost a few times, but kept looking for trail markers and pushing myself. I’ve never gone this far at my hiking spot, and it was the first time I went that far alone. It was silent. Me, my breath, my chattering monkey brain. A fool persisting in the folly of quieting the brain. 

I realized something so simple it felt silly I hadn’t before. Meditation and mindfulness are do not disturbs to your thoughts. If you try to quiet them, they’ll just chatter at you more, but really all they are just notifications. Alerts. They don’t stop, unless they stop, but you can’t make them stop. There were many times on my hike I felt the bliss of silence. And when I felt the mind start to go, I just said thank you. And I found more. 

Sometimes, I’m more likely to believe my mind is a computer with 1000s of tabs open, and my anxiety, depression and all the other noise are glitches from overuse. 

I’ve been annoyed with my phone, with talking to people so much, etc. I just want to apparently be a curmudgeonly hermit. I started disabling notifications left and right, I leave my phone on do not disturb, and I am trying to use it less. I realized all these inputs in my face are new tabs/thoughts/glitches.

My thoughts and phone are being disregarded more, but it is very nice to capture these moments too. I can always see the first time I really went outside my comfort zone hiking wise, and I could never have imagined this. 

I know I can’t drop everything and hike every day. I know I won’t ignore my phone every day. I used to think I had to always be a certain way to find whatever I was looking for. I’m only now realizing all of that is irrelevant. At this point, I have no idea what I’m looking for, and that has me very, very excited. Because when you have no clue what to expect, you find heaven on earth. 

6 thoughts on “Get Lost

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    1. I know what you mean. I’ve been feeling really disconnected from yoga too. I don’t know why, but seeing all these pictures on Instagram of yoga selfies has kind of made the rebel without a cause or purpose in me get hipster about it. I don’t know why. It’s judgey and immature at best. But I guess I don’t want to be another “westerner” molesting eastern practice. And that probably doesn’t even make sense.

      And yes. Forest bath is exactly what I needed. I just feel like I can think again. Or not think as the preference would be.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Looks like a nice place to visit. A good place to decompress and just… listen.
    Calling yourself a hermit for periodically wanting to enjoy your own company in a place of calm and quiet is not good, in my opinion. That’s putting a negative spin on something that can be a very good and healthy thing. Don’t feel guilty for giving yourself a little alone time – it sounds like something you just might need. If folks think less of you for taking time for yourself and not being plugged in at all times to respond to them instantly, I would think less of them for not respecting you and your needs. Some of us need a little isolation once in a while. I see nothing wrong with that. My two cents… change accepted 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha I totally agree with you!!! It’s funny how it is almost seen as odd to want and enjoy solitude. It’s something I only connected with after separating from my husband. When the kids would be with him, I’d have three days where I potentially could not speak to anyone – especially bc I work from home. At first it was awful and I tried to fill my time with anyone, everyone, to escape. Then I accepted it and now if I don’t get time to myself I lose my damn mind. To me, a hermit is a great way to live. It’s how you actually learn about yourself free from others voices and opinions.

      The guilt part is tough bc so few do understand the need for being alone. I don’t want to push people away, but you are exactly right. I need space and time and quiet to function and I can’t keep sacrificing that to appease others. Doing it despite guilt made me feel so good tho especially after finding that spot. That was something I could really only do alone. Find a trail, and just go until it ended regardless of how long it took. The silence of hiking in the woods alone, it was the best catharsis. And yeah – from now on that’s how I have to focus. If people try to supplant my needs with their wants, well… my phone just may get tossed aside more and more often 🤣

      Thanks!!!

      Liked by 1 person

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