What If I Am Wrong? (Part 1 of 3)
Prior to the hospital, I was convinced that I was supposed to write and help others. I was convinced that if I wrote, everything would be fine. Then, I got convinced my ex was talking to me through music. I got convinced my phone was hacked and being watched. I was convinced everything I have ever been ashamed, embarrassed, etc. was out there for everyone to see. Lastly, I got convinced I was doing everything wrong, and if I didn’t stop this, I would hurt or kill everyone I know. I became convinced I was going to lose my children, and spent days and nights scrubbing my house and running around like a lunatic to ensure that I did everything I could possibly think of. I was supposed to be resting. At this point, I hadn’t slept in weeks. Once I got convinced I needed to die, I surrendered. I need medication, because I can’t live like this. I don’t want it, it changes me. I am not sure if I am better or worse, but I do know that I can’t take the crash anymore. I suppose everyone reaches that point, where the highs do not outweigh the lows. For me, I just can’t take the volume anymore. My personality, etc. shift constantly, and it’s exhausting.
I’ve spent months working on acceptance. Where I am, who I am, what I am is what it is. I am getting away from “fixing” anything about me, and just adding good, like I was. Like before, though, my steps are the same. A step forward, chased by several steps back into “What if I am wrong…” I try to keep re-reading my journal from various points to see growth or change, but I feel stuck. “Why me?” and “This is all my fault” I am always the victim and villain in my own mind. I feel like I repeat the same mistakes with new plot points and twists. I held on to this belief that everything happens for a reason, and that we all spiral up and down/repeat cycles until we learn and are strong enough to move forward. I look at my life and see a repeating pattern – girl loves boy, boy does not love girl, girl drives herself insane trying to make boy love her like she loves him. Honestly, it’s that way with almost everyone I care deeply about. I have a handful of friends that I am balanced with, everyone else, I get obsessed and they run away, it seems.
I am trying to address that. I figure the only way that stops is if I love myself more, give myself all the love I pour out to everyone else, and see if that changes things. My polar brain, though, likes to fight me. As I try this, life and my mind seem to conspire against me. For as certain as I am that unconditional love is the only way to heal, I am equally certain this is psychotic babble and I persist in staying off my rocker. For as certain as I am that I am a strong woman, I am equally certain that I create my own chaos. For as certain as I am that I will find the right love once I give myself the right love, I am equally certain that I am too fucking crazy for anyone to give a shit about me. For everything I can say, I can equally say, “What if I am wrong…”
Mah Butt Itches 
For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re wrong. It seems like you are on a forward path.
LikeLike
Hey hun. It’s just the mental illness talking shit again. Don’t listen to your mind!! It’s a liar, and will tell you ALL sorts of crap, that isn’t true! Test it. For example, one day, your mind tells you that you’re a cunt. The next day, your mind decides, no, actually, you’re cool. The next day, your mind tells you that you’re a shit Mother. The next day, your mind tells you that you’re a rockstar Mother. FUCK the mind!! Listen with your heart, never your mind. If you FEEL something to be true and real and honest, then it usually is. Mind has a field day with us, and we behave like it’s servants. Should be the other way round. Train the shithead to work FOR you, don’t allow it to work against you. You do this, by, everytime a sad or negative thought hits you, you instantly DROP it. You don’t fight it, you don’t ‘ask it to leave you alone’, you simply ignore, and let it go. You don’t buy into it either. You ignore. The more you ignore, the less shit your mind will give you! It works a treat for me. Now, if I FEEL crap, I just rest, but ignore the bullshit that sometimes comes my way through my mind. I simply don’t take any notice. I’ve almost mastered this! Try it! You’ll love it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am definitely working on this exact mindset. I am sick and tired of fighting this nagging nonsense. I know it’s not real, I know half the shit I do are reactions to triggers, etc. etc. I know I cycle – in mood and life. WIth all of that, it’s frustrating to watch it happen, but relieving to know that I’m sadly human haha. Lately, I am seeking the space between the mind and the ego, and becoming the observer. I see that thought, I choose what to do with that thought. Instead of AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH do all the things my brain says! It is helping for sure. I do think, though, that it gets harder and noisier as you try.
LikeLike
Yes, for sure, the more you ‘try’ the worse it gets. You’re doing so well. My mind never shuts the fuck up, so it’s constantly ignored, and now, it comes through without any ‘thoughts’, rather, feelings!!! SO…I gotta work out what to do about that! I think that until mental illness is actually dealt with properly, with treatment that WORKS, we will continue to struggle. It’s like the little bastard will crawl up our butt LOL, if it can’t come through the mind…The ONLY time I feel totally calm, is when I meditate. Otherwise, I’m pretty screwed up, even WITH the meds! God, it’s all too bloody much. This week I’ve hardly read anyone’s blogs, due to BPD…(thanks you bastard shithead!) LOL
LikeLiked by 1 person
❤ I agree with you on everything. I don't think our "modern medicine" is helpful in the slightest. We're all so busy treating the weed, nobody bothers to take a stab at the root. I'm sorry, but popping mind altering pills that make me fat and numb is just not making me smile. ya know? Most doc's look at everything as placebo hippie shit, which is inane, and most pseudo-science is scoffed, because it is not science, and you didn't spend 300k to obtain a degree to tell me about a disorder I live with and you read about. But, of course, their piece of paper is worth more than my lifetime of experience, what teh fuck do I know? Yes, lighting my incense, closing my eyes, regardless of posture, and entering a meditative space frees me. I am finding that it is beginning to bleed into the day to day where I can find the quiet more often, or ignore the noise. I think the hardest thing is knowing that every up is going to have a down, and not allowing that knowledge to impact the up and not allowing the fear to be a self fulfilling prophesy to the down. Once you can master that…
LikeLike
Absolutely! It’s crazy how, when we find ‘happy’, we’re afraid, knowing that ‘sad’ is just waiting, rubbing it’s grubby claws to grab us. I’m becoming paranoid of laughing, IN CASE! This is bullshit, think I’m gonna take that Ayawoska shit. Can’t spell it, but apparantely it resets your brain back to zero, before the shit happened that destroyed it!
LikeLike
Oh my gosh, really? That sounds incredible. I’m thinking about starting to take CBD. I have heard so many good things.
LikeLike
I’ve taken CBD, lots of it, but it’s without the THC. So, it doesn’t really do much to be honest. One has to TOTALLY rewire the brain. Because, when we suffered or suffer trauma, the brain actually changes physically! No shit. Check it out! So our brains are basically misfiring all the time. I cannot see how the Pharma crap will ever work. I stick to spirituality like shit to a blanket and STILL I struggle. Nope, time to hit the Amazon, with the REAL DEAL methinks
LikeLike