Mer de Noms – A Perfect Circle, 23rd Bday of a Life Altering Album

I started writing about music (regularly) with this: To Whom am I Listening To-sday

It was Mer de Noms 23rd bday, and I thought it deserved a post in and of itself.

I feel like at this point, you either do or don’t know who/what I’m talking about. If you don’t, it is a masterpiece of an album and I cannot recommend it enough. There’s nothing I can say about it beyond what it did for me, how it helped me, and maybe a thing or two I’ve learned.

It’s kind of interesting, Maynard has always just been in my life as a really…really important musician. I sobbed my heart out at some of the worst points in my life to TOOL’s Sober, so much so I actually blocked all of his bands out until I started dealing with the timeframe of sobbing my heart out to TOOL.

Upon re-discovery, or maybe getting to a point I subconsciously knew I needed to be – the music began unlocking cages I didn’t know I was in. Ironically, twas the ex mentioned Here that got me reconnected, re-obsessed with all bands Maynard.

So, I didn’t actually sit down and listen to MDN as an album in its entirety (aside from the massive abundance of radio hits back in the day)until probably 2016. It affected me so much that when I went and got my phoenix tattoo, I had I Will I Am and an APC logo tattooed with it, (lyrics from the song Rose, linked below) because that tattoo and the significance behind it wouldn’t exist if not for how that album helped me start doing many of the things I am actively restarting now.

I re-listened to it for the I don’t know how many time last night, and just… breathtaking is the only word.

The day after re-listening proved how much different of a human I am from the first time I listened to last time.

I was having this panic attack today that was like an avalanche and nothing I could do would stop it, and I literally did all of the right things. I meditated, I breathed, I put the shoes on and walked – listening to another masterpiece by A Perfect Circle – Stone and Echo, Live at Red Rocks, which I’ve probably written about I don’t know how many times over the years. It’s kind of… Mer de Noms started, Stone and Echo…just I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m trying to say or how to say it. The point is, I put that on because I’ve been feeling this huge vulnerability that it helped me transform through before, and I think I need it all again. To remember some of the strengths I already learned from these albums. They were the release and transformation, keys to the cages, keys to unlock my mind.

I realized shortly when I started writing again – I literally get triggered when I am myself. Does anyone experience this? Like if I really speak my mind or just…say something “i wouldn’t normally let myself say” I get ice fucking cold, start shaking. I don’t know how it clicked that I was literally triggered by … myself. And that is a lot to unpack for another day.

But the first time I experienced this was listening to these albums and writing out what they brought out. I am nothing if not thanks to these albums.

I would feel triggered every time I had an emotion.

Not by the emotion, but not being allowed to have it. I got triggered by feeling loved. It’s that same thing, ice cold, shaking, heart racing, mind racing. It astounds me that being human is my biggest trigger. Seriously, I’m curious, does anyone else have this, or if now that I’m mentioning it, shit makes sense??

I found it as distressing then as I do now. I’m fine getting triggered by a lot of things, it makes sense. But to be so… this, and get triggered by my own humanity. This is how I know hell and heaven exist right here, right now.

Listen to Orestes – this is about Maynard’s mom dying. Listen to his anguish, confusion, all of it spilling out it his words and voice. I dare you not to weep. But he took all that pain and he made that song that makes me weep. I wanna do that too, and this album, these songs, his bands, have all given me comfort, solace, meaning, and purpose. I’ve joked forever “I wanna be Maynard when I grow up”.

But the music taught me that, somehow, some alchemy I guess. That transmutation of all these things working against me and how to make it work for me instead, like he and every member of the bands do.

I’ve grown and gotten better since.

I’m telling myself if I’m feeling that way, then I’m doing the right thing, so smile if you’re freezing.

You’re hitting truth, you’re hitting real, you’re being authentic. Who gives a shit how long you live if you haven’t allowed yourself an authentic breath, word, whatever. I’d rather be a cold shaking mess than a smiling piece of plastic.

But back to the panic attack that would not crack. Exercise ✅ write ✅ journal ✅ meditate ✅ music ✅ breathing ✅ self talk ✅

I was trying to do everything not to take Klonopin b/c I couldn’t get loopy or sleepy. The reason, I guess? for my panic attack was my kid’s concert was tonight, and I knew it would be packed and loud, and as soon as I thought about it, everything in me exploded.

Everything was getting by and getting through in a healthy way, which before these albums, I would have basically berated myself into compliance and ignored all of it or maybe gotten a little drunk beforehand.

How is it I can do all of these things I’m so scared of doing right now, but generally fall apart at going to a concert, ya know? But I didn’t judge. It just is what it is, sometimes I have a freaking panic attack because I’m thirsty or genuinely excited. At this point, it’s far more about de-escalating than figuring out the whys.

Why goes on forever, man, but “What can I do about this right now” far more powerful and helpful in breaking outta thought patterns and whatnot.

So there I was, shaking, starting to stutter, twitching, laying under my weighted blanket breathing until the absolute last second.

Then I got up, I got dressed, and I went. I did it anxious, I did it scared, just like I’ve been doing everything.

Just breathe and do it anyway,

I can be everything at once, I’m big enough to hold it all, if you will.

I closed my eyes when it was too much. I did the double deep breath (big inhale, another big inhale – like when you’re crying really hard and you do that double gasp?) DO that. It freaking helps. I just…did it.

The thought of how I could do it or how I could get through it was impossible, but one at a time, step by step I got myself through it, and I managed to do a lot of good things even feeling like crap.

I think before, I would have spent a lot of time beating myself up about this, and I did chuckle a few times that like… all the shit I have handled, and this is Custer’s stand. The packed middle school of doom.

But that was after I was actually nice and talked myself through a bit, like dude, you are feeling hella vulnerable. You are feeling like House Bolton in the flayed man way, not the Michael Bolton is *totally* my uncle way. Every time you post anything, you are dealing with and fighting through so much, you’re trying to make your shit work for you instead of against you. You are doing all this shit you just have wanted and needed to do. It’s fucking amazing and you are kicking ass and taking names. But that also takes a lot, so it makes sense if this just feels like too much. But you got yourself to do so many things you thought you couldn’t do just this week and this can be another one. And then you can feel good about it instead of feeling defeated. Fucking like a locker room chat as I’m shaking under my blankie.

Long story short, I was a friend when I needed a friend. I used to basically donkeypunch myself anytime I needed anything, so this… this is good. And this album was definitely one of those steps and soundtracks that have gotten me here. Those two albums, getting completely randomly obsessed with MJK again, and just…

“I Rose. I Roared. I Will. I Am.”

Albums that helped me save, and really more accurately: make my life.

Thanks for stopping by – are you a Maynard fangirl/boy? are you an APC Fan? TOOL? Puscifer? Faves? Tell me all the things – I’m everywhere, hit me up!

I bet you can guess my snap, but so help me god if I get an unsolicited Richard Nixon, I’m posting it everywhere with emojis, and I will victimize my friends by making them have to see your emoji-dick. I have a collection!

I’m on Twitter but kind of don’t really see the point anymore