Y’all Need Jesus

This is 💯 NSFW, 18+, very inappropriate for probably anyone, but come on… everybody loves a good sex story. 😏

Yesterday I wrote this long ass fucking post talking about shit I hate talking about in the hopes I will get better at talking about shit I do enjoy talking about. I don’t know if I’m on some crazy trip or if like… maybe I just keep getting rid of shitty stories that aren’t helping me, I can tell better stories that may help me. I have no clue. We are winging it. Plus, not for nothing, the naked homeless lady did say I had to be funny and she said something about being a stereotype, or like typecast. Something about everybody who is funny has their sad stories and they just play their type. Something like that. She was naked and I was psychotic, not necessarily the best communication circumstances.

So, today I’m going to talk about the best fuckbuddy I ever had and a tshirt, and maybe work on my segways.

For context, this dude was my best friend and we had benefits, and I really do believe that is the only successful model for relationships. Sure, you can have different types of benefits. One might be tax breaks and a certificate (and likely being miserable, telling each other how you slept and shat, and then somebody dies or divorces. Or cheats. Or you’re happy and your Facebook is normal I guess ) but regardless, it always works out better if you’re really, genuinely, deeply best friends with the person you bang/marry/procreate/etm.

Once again I say, in another unneeded tangent that I think monogamy is another one of those fucking concepts designed to make anybody crazy or miserable. I really think this needs to get discussed more. Lobsters fuck everybody. Well, other lobsters. I donno man, I always thought the rubber bands were for pinching but maybe it’s a weird sex thing. I literally only know two things about lobsters, they taste delicious and they fuck a lot. I am unsure if that is related. Rabbits are delicious and they fuck a lot…..do cows fuck a lot? I’ll google it.

Another form of friends with benefits and another subpar segway, madam, might be meeting up in a motel room, banging for hours on end, and laughing your fucking ass off the rest of the time. There are so many fucking people I miss but that fucking dude. That’s the guy ya miss with a smile not a novella of nonsense (admittedly, a few good jokes tho)

And I think maybe that’s what the homeless lady was telling me now that I think of it. She was like my mental hospital fairy godmother and here I had the power all along. Wait that was a witch wasn’t it. Whatever. Look at all this fucking healing and progress.

Speaking of fucking, ohhhh ho ho that’s a little better – Aside from this man’s skills in the bed and making me laugh, we also meditated and did yoga and enjoyed canned mushrooms. It was never just sex and that’s what always made it awesome, and why tinder and hook ups generally suck. We talked all kinds of philosophy and spirituality shit. Deep shit, deep lots of things. We had the best fucking time. But I have given more than enough context, information, and nostalgia.

So we’re meeting up at our usual spot, he’s coming from work. I told him I’m stopping at Walmart to get water (a lot. Fucking workout) and condoms, (not to brag, I mean clearly I didn’t grow it, but they were absolutely magnums and he was absolutely magnificent) bc I finally learned about responsibility! (So much growth!) Did he need anything? And he asked me for a tshirt and comfy pants cause he’s in a suit from work, and it would be more time with me if he didn’t have to go and change.

So I get several gallons of water like I’m heading to burning man, not an evening at Comfort Inn banging man. And I go to the men’s section where I spent a good hour, maybe more trying to find the exact right shirt for him. I realize I could have grabbed literally anything and frankly it wasn’t even going to be on long anyway, but it’s the little things that show you love someone ya know?

After searching, I finally found it. I knew there was no possible better shirt for our special night of sex, lettuce, and canned mushrooms. Total vegans, ya know.

When he walked out, naked from the waist down grinning from ear to ear in his new shirt, I knew I had made the right choice. In many ways.

I’ve mentioned I went to Catholic school, right? It kinda makes it funnier to know it’s every stereotype. in one post. wait. Oh my god. Holy shit. Maybe my m mental hospital fairy godmother was right!!!!!

Thanks! (Or I’m sorry!) for stopping by!