Hypocrisy, so hot 🥵 right now

When I was a kid, I learned quickly how much hypocrisy drives me nuts. People telling me not to ask too many questions, or not that type of question made me livid. Growing up in Catholic school, I both really dug theology and really, really hated it because of this. Though I barely remember the academics, I learned a loooot in school, I excelled in grades and mastered hating myself while pretending I’m perfect, and ruining my life and countless other lives. A honor roll hypocrite, if you will.

I forget which grade I first started being terrified that I was going to Hell, but pretty young. There was no way around it, I was evil. God hated me, because I was a bad person. I didn’t get a lot of this shit, it bothered me, there were things about me that were apparently evil and I listened to devil music. I’ve carried this with me for decades and I don’t know that I have yet actually purged this poison in me.

In high school, I told my dad I didn’t want to go to mass bc it was a knock off pagan ritual, and they just stole a bunch of other cultures and mishmashed them together to attract more pagans and other religions. Didn’t go over well, as I recall. Even still, it created this schism in me of like thinking like this is evil and thinking like this is rational bc dems da facts you know?

I kind of spent a lot of years from that point in limbo from a faith perspective, creating horrifying new levels of hell for myself and all those in the blast zone due to the fact that I hated and hurt myself, so I couldn’t help but hate and hurt others. I did not buy fully what Catholicism was selling, but I was convinced that was my evil whatever so I tried harder and hated more. Once the deluge of priests raping children came into my consciousness – as an aside, I am genuinely tired of anything involving raping a child being whitewashed by the euphemism sex scandal. That’s what happens when you dip your married pen in your coworker’s consensual ink and get caught or send a poorly cropped dick pic with your bathroom tile to your Twitter or something. Dipping your pen in crayolas makes you a fucking rapist, and that’s not good enough of a word, really. It makes you a shit-stain on the tightie whities of life. So, after years of insistence that I donate all I can to the lord, and finding out how much money was being spent to clean up after rapists, I was done with organized religion. The rest, of course, is an ongoing clean up in aisle 7.

I don’t understand how anybody can be chill about kids getting raped by people they trusted yet lose their fucking minds about where other people put their dicks (and whatever else) consensually. Or, if people decide to change their body or clothes or pronouns or literally any fucking aspect of their being. Why is this a priority?

Where is that energy against raping kids? As long as anyone isn’t raping children, I mean, it is pretty much fair game isn’t it? Like, let’s check that box, then maybe if we need to be concerned with other things…As long as anyone is not forcing you to do anything against your consent…Free will and all? Divinely imbued by the creator…for god so loved…Jesus hung out with hookers and sinners, I’m pretty sure he’d go to a gay bar, or even a drag story time. When kids are getting shot and practicing active shooter drills, raped by priests, coaches, and whoever else…Who cares? I just think Jesus would be a scoche more concerned about any of these items before all of it.

I mean – we are all children of God. It was his whole schtick! He never said THE son of god, He said he was A son of god… meaning we are all (regardless of your feelings, prejudices, and problems) we are all children of god with the gifts of our creator. He was cool with being human because, generally you have to be in order to know any kind of divinity.

Good lord, Roman’s loved orgies ffs. Ya know, Roman, the word that can come before a sect of Catholicism? Bisexuality was common. Shit changes with the times, including and not limited to sin. (Except raping kids, that’s just not going to trend, well, except when it was okay. Good to see so much progress) hell, it used to be cool to kill people for sacrifices or in the name of god — oh wait that one didn’t stop, either.

I have difficulty prioritizing and shit, but like … if we as a society haven’t handled probably the lowest bars ever set: like, a) don’t rape kids (and I guess don’t enable it??), b) make sure everyone is generally okay – food, shelter, etc. and c) don’t kill each other over dumb shit, and d) love each other, which actually makes a-c completely redundant. Like, Jesus said there was only one commandment, love each other as I have loved you. I do not recall any asterisks! I didn’t see the liner note that said “fuck the gays/trans/children/anybody who isn’t white” that last point especially, ya know, since Terrorist Jesus apparently doesn’t reconcile… and yet…he came from where, exactly? Any of the boxes of a-d create heaven on earth, which is what I thought we were all supposed to be doing, so what the actual fuck do we got going here??

Terrorist, Extremist, Libtard Jesus also said about removing beams from your own eye before criticizing the mote (splinter) in your neighbors and he said be not a minister to the word. He talked about making heaven on earth not about persecuting anybody about anything. He was supposed to fulfill the whole punishing, judging god and be the loving, forgiving, compassionate god. That sounds a lot like, you do what you want with your appendages, and I’ll do the same, and neither of us will coerce any of our appendages anywhere, literally or figuratively. Doesn’t that sound like heaven?

So, even if Jesus did somewhere flagrantly fly some misogynistic, kid hating, racist, homophobic flag and I missed it, his first commandment was still love. He talked about it a lot.

Unless I severely misinterpreted him saying “let the children come to me”, Iiiiii feel a little confident saying the whole love your neighbor thing was priority numero uno, and I feel like if that was checked off, these side quests of evil in the name of god would maybe… stop? Hate in the name of love is evil. Jesus didn’t teach any of this. There was no parable of screaming shit at a scared woman getting an abortion or beating down a f*g after some drinks, or disowning your kid for exploring their place on this planet. what we have going here is flagrant, willful hypocrisy and ignorance. There was that whole thing about casting stones, that can actually be an allegory for things like words, judgement, shit on the internet, and of course: votes.

I don’t get the mental gymnastics done to skirt that one. Like, in general – and let’s be clear, people in positions of authority rape children in varying churches and creeds, organizations, you name it, bad people do bad things. I’m against hypocrisy not any specific person or sect. And I don’t want to hear bad apple talk, because a bad apple spoils the bunch. THAT is both the saying and literally what happens. If there is a bad apple, it literally releases chemicals that turn the other apples bad. If you have dinner or communion with a child rapist, what are you? If you’re in the house – be it church, residence, or any organization – of known child predators and abusers…what’s your term? If you associate in any way with someone who fucks a kid…. What’s that? And sure, Jesus did say to forgive 70 x 7, but there were also no asterisks on that one either, so everything and anything is on the table for forgiveness, sure.

Being a parent makes me see how much of a hypocrite asshole I can be and how I can perform mental gymnastics and be a shithead. So I don’t feel better than, I feel stuck in a sick machine or something as anyone else, and I’d like to get out. I get how this comes to be, I get how much it can do to your brain. I really feel like finding god is about searching your soul, not regurgitating shit and following orders, I don’t know. I don’t want to judge, even. I get how anything – especially spiritual/divine/god can be used to justify anything. We’re all human, eh?

When I become aware of my hypocrisy, I try to change it, address it, apologize, etc. I try not to tell my kids to brush their teeth if I haven’t brushed mine. It keeps me in check and self aware. I think that’s important for self awareness, like Marcus Aurelius and teeth, or something.

Nobody who takes anything too seriously should be taken seriously. Everything should be questioned, especially yourself and your beliefs. Anybody unwilling to uphold any belief up to scrutiny can’t be taken seriously. Neither your body or your beliefs should be forced on another, right? All of these things must swing all of the ways.

That’s why I struggle to fathom being so against something that isn’t even getting cleaned up in your own organization. Like QAnon worshipping a known racist who associates with a known pedophile, errr…or Like, if the EPA was actively dumping chemicals in the water it is protecting…. Wait, that’s probably happening for all I know…you get my gist. Or if a pharmaceutical company invented a wonder drug that got you hopelessly addicted and then a rehab to get you off the street drugs you turned to… wait, I don’t think that’s…how about: If a priest rapes a male child, that’s homosexual too, but it seems like the concern is far more on the no homo than age of consent, or consent in general.

But consent is not a problem because it’s not a consideration, apparently. Backed by the god of hypocrisy, nothing matters much in the case of child rape or abortion, does it? and no, I’ll try to just not go there except to say that on the most fundamental scale, if say, we were legislating kosher diet in certain states based on their majority political and theological government branches, that wouldn’t go over well. The Jewish Space lasers would be at it again, ya know?

But all of it does serve to distract from a lot of things, swing votes on a issues that never should be up for debate in the first place because theology and government aren’t supposed to play together. Render unto Caesar and all. But a lotta people have made government their theology and personality (regardless of affiliation), and we all know there are plenty of politicians and other folks who diddle kids.

At the end of the day, all of this bullshit isn’t even about Jesus, it is corporate sponsored outrage making some rich and the rest miserable. So it’s all relevant, insane, monetized collapse of society. If we can’t love our neighbor, can’t we at least strive to not fuck each other inappropriately?

Oh but it is life being protected! Show me, Susan. Where? Whose? Shouldn’t all lives matter? That includes a lot more localities than in-utero. It includes the woman having or not having an abortion. It includes the kid that got raped. It also includes the trans and gays you hate. It includes every Pantone of skin under the sun from every region, regardless of their origin of birth. You can’t have it one way. You can either actually legislate for life or be a fucking hypocrite and if Jesus was really persnickety about anything: he really didn’t like hypocrites or Pharisees. He trashed a church, remember?

This shit drives me fucking nuts. I’m all for forgiveness, yet forgiving ongoing shit that doesn’t change or even strive to find nuance is a tall order. Black and white thinking is a sign of mental illness and I’m tired of acting like it’s not. I’ll forgive bc you clearly know not what you do, but come on: willful blindness and ignorance is a thing and it is a responsibility to at least practice what you preach, if you’re not going to think about it ffs.

I get this shit is tough to unravel. When I finally really said I can’t take this anymore, I can’t be me and be Catholic, I had my first psychotic break. The whole thing centered around me going to/being in/creating my hell and a lot of other stuff. But like, it was that whole evil thing bc all this shit is wrong and evil – not me, but I believed it was(is?) me.

Not long before being hospitalized, I was praying to my idea of the Catholic god I guess to spare me. I swore I’d never write again, and this, my dear friends, is why I struggle with writing to do this day. Bc I became convinced again me writing is evil and I promised god I wouldn’t. And I don’t wanna go to hell even though with shit like this, how can we really contend this isn’t hell? I’m not even in the pool and I’m still convinced I’m drowning, you know? I get and continue to get how difficult it is to look at your beliefs and tear things down, or become more self aware, or find who you even are. I get ruining others’ lives even on this quest, but I just wish more folks would see they are part of the problem they are creating.

As I keep having these breaks, I just keep wondering if I’m/we’re already in The Bad Place. Everything I just typed does make me crazy, I go crazy not feeling able to discuss it even, and I generally feel like the more normal and well adjusted folks are, the crazier they are. It just feels like everything is upside down here. It gives me hope that if we can do such a bang up job creating Hell on earth, maybe we can Uno reverse that shit.

Jesus said when you become as a child, you will know heaven. And I think I’m finally getting it: when we were kids, we were perfect. Everybody else taught us we weren’t. When we were children, we never thought our dreams couldn’t come true or even in limitations really, others taught us by giving up on theirs or never bothering for one in the first place. All this shit that pisses anybody off and drives them nuts, it’s not what is wrong us. What is wrong is not doing what you always wanted to do. It leads you to do crazy shit, it leads you away from love and to evil. For me, I like to be funny, argue with people about shit that is fucking wrong, dismantle bullshit, and become god bc Jesus said to be like him, I always took that literally. People get so fucking hung up on metaphors and say the literals are figurative. This is why this shit is fucking bananas.

Can we literally just set a universal standard of: stop raping kids and getting people killed/killing themselves, and then we can talk about whatever theological crap you wanna toss our way? This shit ain’t love or life, it’s hypocrisy.

Talk, Talk – APC: https://youtu.be/-aOyAvbj2Fg