Surprising new lows

I am re-sharing bc I actually totally got myself to do the joke out loud and you know it works better spoken. Aaaahh!! Did it!

So I’ve clearly kind of cryptically but not totally mentioned a few times life is a touch on the fucked side. But I don’t wanna write about the why, I wanna joke about whatever the fuck you’d call this life. Join me, won’t you? While most people write about their accomplishments and whatnot…

My life is so fucked

You: how fucked is it?

My life is so fucked, I use the cacti and spiked dildo ratio on my asshole. However many of either being shoved how everyoften in that most sensitive of orifices. Anything but the metric system, you know? But that’s not the thing.

But if you are curious about my asshole, the ratio is quite high now, there is a huge, old saguaro in my asshole right now. Thank you for asking.

The thing is, I just realized tonight at some point, I began telling my own, dear sweet, saint of a mother about cacti, spiked dildoes, and my asshole. I can recall at least three occasions now I have referenced getting fucked up the ass by a variety of unpleasant things and not even calling it the back of a Volkswagen. All whilst still telling myself that she doesn’t know I’ve had sex and they’ve definitely never had sex. I just came from sea foam or something. So no sex, but being buttfucked by a cactus is something I apparently share now. With my mom.

That’s still not the worst part. The worst part is I cannot remember for sure whether or not I told my mom about cacti and my ass on Mother’s Day or not. I mean, any day is not a great day to discuss cacti in your asshole with your mom. But Mother’s Day? Oi.

Oh thank god I’m funny, she would have killed me so long ago if I didn’t make her laugh. I’m sure of it. Sorry, Mom. Less spiked dildoes today tho. Happy Mother’s Day…one day, I will somehow make you proud. I think.

The cool thing tho, guys, my mom told me I had to do shit the way I wanted to and I felt that, so I thought I’d continue talking about my butt on the internet, and I guess to her now too. #blessed #progress