God is a Comedian

Okay, we’ve written some heavy shit, let’s do some funny shit.

First and foremost:

Murphy’s Law of Menstruation explicitly states – everything can go wrong, will go wrong, and then you will get your period.

Don’t scroll away gents, the females in your life go through this all the time. When I can say that cramps and period shits are the best part of my week….you don’t need to have a uterus to understand it sucked, there was blood, but thankfully no bloodshed.

This is a story of (Wo)Man plans, god laughs, and honestly, if you’re smart enough – just laugh along man. It’s easier.

So, I wrote here that I basically ran away for a weekend to refill my colander. I went to my favorite casino which also gives a 20% discount on everything for locals. I may be losing my shit, but honey, I always find a bargain.

I realized I can handle an arrest, I can handle complete financial devastation, I can handle my family in complete uproar, I can handle the weird experience of my kid running away from school and speaking to a woman that just walked literal miles uphill in heels bc he wouldn’t stop and I’m sorry just doesn’t feel good enough. Everybody’s stressed and fucked to the point my husband is maybe finally realizing there’s a problem and giving up video games… and it’s like good lord, it’s taken a lot to get that point made but whatever. 🎉

I can do it all, but not with my fucking period. I swear, I felt the first cramp and I called and booked my room. Fuck this shit o’clock, ya know?

Friday, I laid around, ordered room service and binge watched the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel cause that shit is inspiring as fuck. I took a long hot bath and wept at the sheer ferocity of my cramps.

I laid around til Saturday afternoon, then I went to the pool, I swam, I tanned (well burn first then tan) and I got drunk on some tasty ass Mai Tais. The kids came and swam for hours and it was one of those moments where it’s like fuck man, I’m a genius. I got a break, I have hot tub jets blasting my cramps away, they got to swim for hours and hours, everybody got outta the house, got a break from all the shit we’re going through (more of which is mentioned here). And I did not kill anyone. #winning #blessed

I got drunk enough to have a conversation with my husband where I wasn’t flying into justified but exacerbated by hormonal rage. I relaxed enough to set anger and everything aside and remember that we are stupid humans doing stupid things. I could kill the man. But he’s my fucking best friend. In the whole fucking world. He’s stood by me with a lot of shit and he’s caused me a lot of shit, but he is still my best fucking friend. It hurts too much to hate him you know? It’s like just beating myself. we ordered more room service and we had time together as a family that was fun, and not dysfunctional. Yay!

But I’m digressing. I let my youngest stay over with me and and got “thanks mom, I really needed a break myself” and then I took my little man out for a lovely breakfast and we headed to the pool. Here’s where it gets funny. I just give too much context.

So once again, I’m set to tan my white ass American processed cheese product legs and get them to a lightly toasted white bread color. I swam with the kid, hopped out, grabbed another fine ass Mai Tai, wishing myself a happy Mother’s Day and positioned the cheese sticks for perfect sunning.

That’s when the clouds rolled in. The temperature went from fucking perfect to fucking freezing. I put pants on my pale ass legs, put my jacket on and sipped that Mai Tai shivering as I informed the kid if it’s full blown rain, we’re outta here.

Naturally, it turns to full blown rain. Kid tells me he can swim in the rain, I say good for you, I’m not sitting in it. We go back and forth with the finale being – you can swim as long as you want, but good luck walking home from Reno. Me and my truck are leaving now, bye.

Like I said, (wo)man plans, god laughs. I’ll laugh too that shits fucking funny.

So today, woman planned. To take the kids to opening day of the waterpark. Not a cloud in the sky, high of 85 and I just know these legs are gonna get some color. I got my sexy bathing suit on that I am still stunned I am wearing. And I actually complimented myself.

The line to get in is everybody and their mother picking up their season passes. We finally get ours and we head to find a spot to sit and leave our shit. As I stretch my legs out and the kids take off for the water, I notice the cloud free sky has become overcast.

Before the kids can even make it to the water, they announce lightning had been spotted, everybody out. 15 mins later, they announced they were closing. We spent longer in line than in the park and even longer to exit. We only got wet from the rain that started falling. By the time we got home, it was pouring and hailing.

I should mention: I live in a fucking desert. The waterpark closes far more often for wildfire smoke than any precipitation. when we left, that sky was bright fucking blue. Not one cloud. Not one! And now this.

The legs, of course, got nothing. And at this point, I just really wanna know what god has against tanning my legs. Everything else, I guess I can accept but fuck man, can’t a girl have nicely tanned legs while her life goes to shit? But I’ll admit. Funny as fuck dude. Ya got me!

And you know what, here’s my pale (certainly not for lack of effort) less insecure as fuck ass putting pics of me in the bathing suit I can’t believe I’m wearing. Cause it’s fucking cute and so am I. Fuck it.

That’s some fucking progress there. Anyway, thanks! (Or I’m sorry!) for stopping by!

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