Catching up on the daily prompts I missed while I took a brief, much needed sanity break. Which was another small improvement I made. I took off to my favorite casino for a couple days. I laid in bed, ordered room service, had the kids come swimming and have fun for awhile, slept insanely late for me, and really enjoyed some Mai Tai’s. I watched TV (I rarely watch TV).
I said it was like adding a few drops to the colander that is currently my life. We are far, far from filling your cup territory, Susan.
I said recently that I swear to god, I am putting my oxygen mask on and clinging for dear life as everybody tries to rip my mask off as I try to fight to keep theirs on. Fuck me man.
Mai tais, pool, hot tub, brain turned off. It’s all I had. I didn’t even want to write because to do that, I’d have to think coherently and the last thing I wanted was to have to think.
I’m currently in the post period depression phase. And don’t get squeamish and scroll here bc nobody studies how our periods affect our mental health. It’s linked.
For me – Energy is so low, I can barely stay awake, let alone move, or do things. So I say. I gave myself my little staycation to get through the worst of my period – panic attacks, cramps, rage, etc. bc I couldn’t do my crazy life and my period at the same time. I just couldn’t. Anyway, this part of my cycle is very low and very easy to just go into these deep dark seemingly endless depressions. But I know that. So I’m trying to catch it early. it’s not about beating the mule like I used to, but coaxing an overtired toddler.
If I stop writing too long, it will seem impossible to ever start again. If I stop moving too long, I will never be able to do anything every again. Whatever lies. So, I’m writing on my phone, pacing so I’m not sitting, and speaking kindly to myself for once. Very kindly. That’s years of work and growth, so it may seem so very small, it is nothing short of momentous.
I keep getting beaten down, but goddammit I will not be defeated. Especially not by myself or this fucking brilliant brain that can do whatever I set it to – destroy or go beyond my conceptions of possibility.
So I will pace. I will write. I will catch up. I can. I will. I am. it has taken years for these improvements.