Prolly gonna be in the minority on this one: stripper or a hooker*. But like, a classy hooker in one of the fucking awesome looking brothels near my house. I wanna go just to fucking hang out, but I would totally sleep with people and make money for one day. Maybe more, who knows man, in today’s economy…(*I do know the proper term is sex worker, and my jests mean no offense to those in the oldest profession)
Why? Come on man. Why ask why?
Because I wanna.
Oh okay fine *deep breath* I’ve spent most of my life ashamed of and embarrassed by my body. I remember back in my teens, I was told to find something nice to say about myself in the mirror every day. And then, I was told to say something nice about my appearance and I got to two days. My hair. My eyes. Then I just stopped doing it altogether.
So the idea of people just forking over cash to see me naked? Christ, at one point I was so desperate for anything to make me feel good about myself, I slept with everybody on Tinder. Theyyyy weren’t calling me fat, they were just manipulating my non-existent self-esteem, and I was manipulating them to feel better about myself for 5 minutes and hate myself even more for 23 hours, 55 minutes. Give and take, you know?
Then, I realized that’s probably not swell and maybe I should work on that. Now, here I am years and years later and I have at least grown enough to say I don’t think I would sleep with large quantities of errant dicks from Tinder.
But I would sleep with a paying customer for a day, just to say I did it. Hell, I got paid in beers and regret, it would make way more sense to make money off my sexuality instead of being ashamed of every facet of my being. Who has time for that, am I right?
And stripping? I fucking love to dance. I have soooo many songs I would totally strip to. And if you can detect a pattern, I was never one to dance in front of other people unless I was wildly inebriated. Oh, that was part of the above too. I’d get shitfaced aaand sleep with errant dicks. I also fucking love being naked, but was ashamed and embarrassed and blah blah blah. So, the idea of dancing naked whilst people toss cash at me? Far more exciting than how I clean my bathroom! I mean, I’m not naked, but I am dancing. And! Far, far more profitable than my shower dances – see the economy, it’s not a bad way to pay for those groceries. I’m just saying.
And sure there’s OnlyFans, I could start small selling my feet or something, but visions of some relative clicking a link dance through my head. This blog is fucking hard enough to actually be myself on, it has taken years to get back to joking about my stupid shit on Tinder and everything else I’ve been quietly berating myself for not writing…if all of that is me struggling with black and white text…it would have been way easier to dance naked for strangers or have sex with paying customers for the past I do not know how many years I have struggled with writing/life. It was a whole other journey to absolve myself that if anybody comes here, I can’t be held responsible for the content you choose to consume. It’s my blog-gy and I’ll be a stupid asshole online if I want to, stupid asshole online if I want tooo….Shit, get back on topic: Why you’d prefer hookin’ or strippin’ to your relatives viewing online content…
I can’t bare the thought of baring anything with a potential DNA match on the other end. If I was strippin’ or hookin’, I know exactly who is lookin’ and whether or not we share blood or too much of my life together for it to be anything but 🤮 and I could leave. So OnlyFans, porn, etc are a no go. Just a one day hooker or stripper (with option to extend) (did this pun I intend?)
I would enjoy monetizing the things that have hurt me and held me back most in my life. If I have learned anything from Tinder (Oh I assure you, God knows I have) nobody gives a fuck about your body anywhere near as much as you do (as long as you’re down to fuck)
If for no other reason than just to have another story in my pocket, ya know?
Remember that one time I was a hooker? Imagine the grandkids faces when they get to hear that oldie but goodie.
I didn’t feel like putting memes on this one, but you know what this post needs? You guessed it: Dick Pics. You are welcome.
Thanks (or I’m sorry) for stopping by!
How much money would you need to do this?