Hot Pads are a girls best friend

So, this is just… my life and my life is generally talking about things you’re not expected to.

I have my period. But what I mean by that is I am laying in bed with a hot strip thingy on my back and a hot pad on my pelvis, because everything hurts. I also think I ordered a ton of food I wouldn’t normally and it’s all garbage. And like, kiwi, apple, and a cantaloupe bc someone else was getting my groceries as I lay in bed waiting for the hot pads to come along with the garbage.

I had no shame, I ordered menstrual relief bath salts, bubble path, pads for people who forget to tell me they need pads, extra strength Tylenol, chocolates of every variety, ginger ale, saltine, and a damn clay mask because I’m worth it. I don’t know why I’m sharing my shopping list. Sorry.

I’ve come along way to be 40 and middle aged. I have never been so freaking excited to cross a decade. Like, I just get to be old and not give a fuck. I finally bought liners bc I’m tired of, after pushing four watermelons out of a beleaguered avocado, I don’t just sneeze anymore. I have kegeled until kingdom bath assuredly come and I still can’t sneeze solo. Alas, maybe I will try the kegel video game and I’ll saddle up next to the husband. He can play GTA, I won’t bitch about video games, and I’ll play work the vajayjay. (I’m sorry I just kind of had to you know?)

Hell, it took me birthing 4 kids to get comfortable referring to my anatomy by the given name Vagina… and now, now I’m forty, I’ll have someone else buy me liners at the store for my vagina. Because I can’t freaking move. Shit feels like a boa constrictor is chilling in my pelvis squeezing my will to exist.

It’s just ridiculous anymore. Is anybody else just having everything feeling worse? Cramps? Fatigue? Fuck everything, everyone, and whatnot? for those who don’t shed their uterine linings on a cyclic basis, have you noticed others complaining or struggling more?

But hey, Ram Dass said something about suffering bringing us closer to god, and in a weird way … I’m sitting here all miserable but out there, I paid some lady to bring me all these things that helped me feel better, and I just got to push buttons and order a bunch of shit I don’t need, which isn’t very spiritual or whatever except, I generally think the whole thing is to just enjoy the whole thing. If you feel like your uterus is trying to eject itself through your spine ala reverse cowgirl Aliens – maybe a hot pack is not too shabby. and maybe you feel a little nicer to yourself, a generous tip for the person who helped, so that feels good, and now I feel good all around. Even when I feel like crap. Lots to be grateful for. Lots to remember I’m not as little and isolated and lost as I like to tell myself. I guess, periods can be a great way to remind me that there are others shitting and suffering with me.

One of these days I’m really gonna remember it when I’m really in the dumps, ya know?

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