“I don’t wanna grow up and I don’t wanna die”

I wanted to share the conversation I had with my 8 year old last night…He was lying in bed and started crying saying he didn’t want to grow up and he didn’t want to die.

The first thing I said was that nobody said he had to grow up. His body will get bigger and he will get older, but there’s no reason why he can’t still play, have fun, and do everything he loves to do. Everyone will tell you to do this or change for that, and the best thing you can do is be true to you. Listen to the little kid voice. Do the things that make you happy. Then you never grow up.

He said, “Mom are you afraid of dying?”

I said, “I think your brother asked me this question before too and I’ll give the same answer. No, I’m not afraid of dying. If I’m afraid of anything, it’s that I haven’t lived before I die. You say you don’t want to grow up, and I say, don’t worry about it. All you have is right now. This very minute. You and me, talking in bed. That’s it. Don’t worry about yesterday. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Enjoy this now. Be here now, and nothing else matters.”

He said, “what do you think happens when you die?”

I said, “I see death like a chapter in a book. One chapter ends, the new one starts. Or, if you think of the ocean, we’re all riding one wave together. That wave will come back and a new one will come. Always. It just keeps going. Because we’re really just one big ocean telling stories and playing games. And it keeps going. New stories, new chapters.”

He said “will you be my mom in the next chapter?”

I said, “I don’t know. what if all of this is us playing? Just like you, Ty, and Liv make believe. Sometimes one of you is the Dad. Sometimes another one is. What if you and I are playing a big wonderful game and we said that this time id be your mom and you’d be my little boy and we will see what happens?”

He said, “I saw on YouTube that people think this is just a Dream”

I laughed. “What if it is? That means we’re having this big fun game and we don’t have to worry about anything. Not growing up. Not dying. Not anything but having fun and learning how to love. If I believe anything, this is all teaching us love. How to love everything – even the bad things – especially the bad things. That’s why there are people in our life that piss us off. That’s why I’m your mom and you’re my son because you are teaching me to love everything and I’m teaching you. I think the only thing that we really need to do here is learn love. The more you can love everything – even the bad stuff – that’s how you play the game.”

He said, “I love you mom” and I said “I love you so much baby boy. You are such a special, wonderful, incredible, sweet, loving, amazing little boy.”

He grabbed my hand and held it in his little hand. He fell asleep like that.

That was the first time I’ve been able to express myself this articulately, and I am so thankful I got to have that moment with him. The power of seeds…

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