Soon Enough, I’ll Go…

I got a lot done yesterday, but still got to spend time with our family for dinner. Time is feeling very crunched when it gets so apparent conveniences like dinner with the family become separated by a country.

As life crunches, I crave time alone, too. Right now, respites are car rides with the windows down blasting whatever. Something is playing on some device at all times at this point. It helps to stay out of my head too much because I’m generally tired of that station.

I’m trying to “tune in” to what’s in front of me more. Earlier, I caught myself in my head and realized I wasn’t even hearing the rain. That is what inspired the poem today.

Instead of running with anxiety, I’m questioning it. “What is this [discomfort of whatever form] saying to me?” Has been more helpful then “I’ve ruined everything and I am a worthless idiotic sack of shit” (believe it or not!) Earlier today, I did it and then went to meditate, and just now I did it and realized I needed to flop for a few minutes.

Which has me here, listening to The Weaver by Puscifer, and it has been a minute since I got lost in Puscifer. I ran so many errands, and it was awesome because Olivia wanted to come. As much as I’m digging the me time in the car, I could tell my girl needed to hang with Mommy and definitely needed Chic Fil A. She talked a bit, we sang a lot, I can tell she’s feeling better. That makes me feel better by proxy.

I don’t want to say I’m worried about the kids. That would imply something is wrong, and if these kids weren’t feeling “it” – whatever it is to them – I’d be worried. They have a lot on their brains, hearts, and plate right now. They also lack my vocabulary to express it. I’m not even talking my biggun words, I just mean, I can attach so many more words to emotions then they can.

They used to not numb penises for circumcision because it was assumed that the baby couldn’t feel pain at that age. Despite the horrible screaming, it was assumed they were fine.

While no one’s genitals are being renovated, I feel like the situation could be the same. If I’m not paying attention, there’s a lot of stuff that can be overlooked purely because it’s not being told. I almost missed out on the rain and that’s pretty hard to miss… that makes me want to remain even more with these kids.

In order to do that, apparently I shut the door and lock myself in my room for time outs when I need it. Cause, I friggin need it.

A hawk pumps it wings then soars. Their efficient processes allow them to expend less energy and reach greater heights and see a larger perspective when hunting. (This is what I tell myself instead of lazy)

12 days…

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