Dead to me

I am a wreck today. Astrologically speaking, I suppose I’m on track, but on a personal egoic level, I feel like Dante’s Inferno is more biographical than poetry.

This all started with a meditation that began with “I am sorry that I have not listened before, but I am here now to hear what you need me to hear” Almost immediately into meditation “rape” in white smokey letters floated on a black background. I’ve written about that shit ad-naseum, it’s everything else that’s coming back now.

I suppose, when you repress memories, it creates a dam. Once that (is this a god)dam is compromised, it is only a matter of time before the whole damn dam goes. For weeks now, memories have come out of nowhere. I have had the completely bizarre and wholly wonderful experience of shocking myself with the shit that comes out of my mouth.

The shit I have normalized, accepted, and allowed myself to believe I deserve. I don’t know when, if ever, I can talk fully. I don’t know. All I know is the transits astrologically have done what they said they were going to do, and I am really ready to set some new goals this new moon. Woot.

I don’t need to show my scars to show I’ve earned my stripes, but I do know that after this week alone, the person I was before that meditation where I saw the word rape is no longer in existence. I also know that the person who sat down today in meditation with “What does my heart desire” and responded to herself before even finishing her own damn question said “peace” I next asked “How do I achieve peace?” the answer that followed immediately was “Forgive yourself.” I asked how do I forgive myself? I received “Journal”

In my journal, I wrote a letter to myself, and almost immediately, the letter changed everything. It was a simple realization that changes every facet of my existence: I can’t forgive myself because I have literally nothing to apologize for. All this time, I have been on a desperate quest to forgive “the unforgiven” and I can’t, ’cause I have nothing to apologize for. I did not, have never done anything wrong. I was a kid who got screwed up.

If I look at it from the big picture, clearly this was what my soul needed to become my soul and for me to be me, all is good positive and happy. The reality is, as I said to my daughter today because I can neither hide nor control my tears or my memories

“I’m okay. I am working through a lot right now. Mommy’s life has been really hard sometimes. I think you know that. You know mommy gave a baby up for adoption. You’re a female, I think you know that has to be tough for a mommy to do. So you know your mommy is strong. Mommy can only be strong if she falls apart sometimes. I’m a muscle. Remember when you started swimming… your body hurt didn’t it? You’re using new muscles and they have to rip apart and grow back together stronger to do the things you want to do. So, Mommy is getting ripped apart cause she’s a muscle too, and when Mommy is finished, that means she will be even stronger too”

She smiled and gave me kisses and said she wants to get matching tshirts. I said we should get matching tattoos when she’s older and she said “they do that?” so I went to open a picture for her. The first image I saw “She gave me life. and She is my reason for living” and I went back to being a sobbing mess of humanity.

On March 7, 1998, I was supposed to die by my own hand. I received a hug from a friend that made me decide I did not want to hurt her specifically – like as in her and her alone – with my suicide. I promised myself on that day – breaking the promise I made to myself earlier – that I would not kill myself because I could not hurt my best friend. Every day leading up to that, I had journaled “Daina, just hold on til the concert. I promise, once the concert is over, this is over. You can’t go out without seeing Metallica, and you know it” I was 14. I was in 8th grade. It would take me until 2017 to change that promise to myself, that I would not kill myself because I would not kill myself. I don’t need that promise anymore. Christ, I’m not even friends with the person who inspired it in the first place anymore… Gotta change it up.

On May 31, 2019, I promise myself I will live every day like it is the last. I will live my life so fully others will look at me in amazement. If people hear my story, they will be baffled that I’m still even alive, let alone as happy, peaceful, and funny as I am. I promise that when my work here is finished and my eyes close for the last time, no one will dare cry at my funeral, because they will know I lived before I died.

“So let it be written…so let it be done…” ~Creeping Death, Metallica / Yul Brenner 10 Commandments

“Never free, never me…so I dub thee unforgiven” ~Unforgiven, Metallica

Last, but not least, the hug during the song that has me here:

So close, no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trust in who we are
And nothing else matters
Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words, I don’t just say
And nothing else matters
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know
So close, no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know, yeah
I never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words, I don’t just say
And nothing else matters
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know, ooh, yeah
So close, no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trust in who we are
No, nothing else matters