…It’s currently an unfortunately literal statement. (ha!) True to the art of narcissistic overshare, *ahem* I mean blogging…
I started Lamictal 8 weeks ago now. I’ve been on it previously, but always with other med combos, and I have not had great results. My psych thought it was due to being overmedicated. His plan was just Lamictal, titrate up to 150, and see how we do. Lamictal has a rare but serious side effect – which is a rash. This rash (if it’s the bad one) can essentially cause your skin to bubble up and fall off. Seeing as I am somewhat of a hypochondriac (though I’ve thankfully stopped googling myself), this is disconcerting. Every time I have a minor irritation, I immediately envision myself in a burn ward missing skin and all of these horrible things because my brain is a super positive awesome place to be.
My psych had told me Lamictal is a rashy drug in and of itself and given I have sensitive skin, I may have some rashes. Rashes are more likely to occur if you increase your dosage too quickly, so you have to go 25mg at a time. For 6 weeks, I titrated up to 150mg and by week 5/125mg, I started feeling the itch. As of week 7, I started getting splotchy and feeling a kinship towards my dog that I never wanted to experience. He and I seemed to spend our days randomly scratching at ourselves. It was lovely bonding.
I met with the psych, he said to decrease my dosage to 100mg, and see if the reset cleared everything up. For a couple days, I felt okay. I was still a bit itchy, but nothing I couldn’t deal with. Saturday night, I woke up itching, but during the day Sunday, it calmed down. Sunday night, I turned into this really sexy and appealing shady of angry red in random patches all over me. Benadryl can help – which is great if you aren’t required to be conscious. I don’t really wish to spend my “waking life” sleeping, and frankly, the kids really do not give a crap if I have a rash, because dammit mom, where are the waffles? I popped a Benadryl last night, and at least got the sleep I had missed Saturday.
Here we are today, and I am still a-scratchin’. Sigh. I called the Dr. and am awaiting further instruction as I resist the urge to sandpaper my face off. Naturally, my mind is taking me to amazing, tranquil scenes – me jacked up on steroids (usually how you treat a Lamictal rash), me watching my skin fall off, me titrating off meds and on new meds with new side effects and whatnot. The last one is what has me most upset because that’s the more likely reality.
The sad irony might be that Lamictal is great for my brain, but not so hot for my body. It has been the first drug that I have been able to report positive responses with minimal side effects – literally headaches and it makes me pee a lot. I haven’t felt robot-ed, I have felt myself this whole time, I have found myself responding to life more smoothly, my panic attacks are down, my depression has been manageable. All of these good things, and a major asterisk, oh, well I can’t stop scratching basically every part of my body (including mah butt). I’m scratching my face as I type this.
Naturally, the anxiety is creeping up, and I just feel frustrated. Rome wasn’t built in a day and all, but cripes I’m tired of the med. bullshit. It’s a huge success that I’ve found a doctor I like and trust, but I am feeling deflated at the setback. I started with my new doctor in July, so to potentially have to go a new med direction is a bummer. Yet, I keep telling my overwhelmingly positive brain, every med that doesn’t work will lead us to something that does. I feel as though I’ve tried almost everything, I feel as though I inevitably have the weird adverse reaction that most people don’t, and sometimes I really feel as though stability is a light at the end of a tunnel that’s a good 500 miles away and it’s blocked by debris. However, in all of that butthurt, there is the one point that makes me smile. At least I’m finally believing there IS an end to the tunnel – no matter how far. There IS a light, and I DO have hope. None of those were realities a few months ago, even. That’s badass.
All my whining aside, I find the irony of writing under an itchy assed psuedonym whilst actually literally having an itchy ass. It just brings a sense of realness to this blog of ramblings and rantings. On the positive, I tend to think I deserve a pass on all things housework and adulting, due to the fact that I am itching and uncomfortable, so I will likely conclude this pointless post and either lay down and attempt to disassociate from my body and head on out into the ether, or I’ll render myself unconscious with Benadryl.
In the meantime, I went ahead and joined Instagram, because I am a trending topic that happened like 5 or so years ago. I just like to see what all those crazy kids are up to with those fancy iPhones and whatnot. Anyway, as with everything, I am mahbuttitches, and today I posted some tarot and oracle readings in an attempt to do something with my hands besides scratch and my mind besides worry about hypotheticals that will likely never come to play. So, if you are into tarot and oracle cards, stop by and check out my readings, let me know what you think. If you are not into tarot and oracle cards, stop by and leave me negative comments. Whatever floats your boat. As always, thanks for reading this itchy assed (face, armed, legged, torso’d, etc.) author.