Hurt so Good

Happy Saturday!!  What’s everyone got going this weekend? I am kid-less this weekend!

One of my friends started doing aerial yoga a couple weeks ago.  She talked me into going with her last night.  I booked the class on Thursday morning before I could talk myself out of it, and I spent the next 24+ hours completely anxious, scared, and wondering why I would do this to myself.  I had images of me falling on my face, not being able to do asanas, holding the class up because I can’t do it, or not even being able to get in the hammock.  All day yesterday, I kept telling myself that I’m making everything seem so much worse than reality could ever be.  (understatement of the year…)

Anyway, I just ignored myself and went.

My heart was racing for the first 10 or so minutes.  I got stuck right away, for some reason, I just couldn’t figure out how to move my left foot.  The instructor helped me, I was blushing, my foot moved.  The first thing we did was turn the hammocks into little meditation cocoons, and it got me chilled, dropped in, and warming up.  The stretches felt amazing.  It was hard, at some points, I literally dripped sweat on the ground.  I could feel muscles being accessed and expansion I had never gotten before.  In a side angle, I was able to kick my leg straight out with my fingers hooked around my big toe.  My butt is going to really, really benefit from this movement.  I could feel new holes getting ready to form in additional yoga pants!  The inversions though.  I always love inversions.  Honestly, just forward folds are my absolute favorite.  I did an inverted shoulder stand, I flipped to stand, I did so many things I did not think I could do.

I did fall once.  It was not remotely like the faceplant I imagined all day.  It was a quick realization I was going down, where I deftly. I need to emphasize deftly, because I am usually as graceful and coordinated as an overdosing panda, and I arched my back, planted my forearms (saving my face), and somehow did a controlled sliding AND SILENTLY (I imagined an entire orchestral percussion of fall sounds) went down.  The instructor complimented me, and said I fell like a ninja.  I was so proud.  hahaha

Right now, I’m the heaviest I’ve been weight-wise in probably 7 or so years.  I’ve never been skinny, and it is what it is.  I spent so much time obsessed with my weight and appearance that I can’t be bothered anymore.  I’m not saying I walk around looking like Gollum – unless I’m on a quest to meet my billionaire at Wawa – but I dig me.  Whatever.  Yoga came about for butt growth and to do something.  I knew I needed something to commit to. Something that moved my body and I was passionate about.  I am not passionate about going to the gym and walking on a treadmill.  It’s something I might work towards, but it would actually be more in support of yoga than pants size.  If that makes sense.

The point in that paragraph is, me being plus size, chunky, fat, [insert whatever here], is something I do struggle with in yoga.  It’s nothing besides my own imagination and self-critic.  That’s mainly why I was scared.  The instructor said last night, “I want you to honor your bodies, and I want you to honor where you are at, but I also want you to remember that you will not grow if you do not step outside of your comfort zone.” I was hanging upside down, beaming, sweating, and I needed to hear those words.  Yoga is what helps me do exactly that.  There is something about getting inside of your body and trusting completely in your ability to do everything.  To see one day, you tried to do tree pose, and couldn’t even pick your leg up, and the next, you get up for 5 seconds, and on and on.

Building on that, I signed up for a free intro to pole dancing class tomorrow.  I am so scared and excited.  I have wanted to try pole dancing for 3 years now, and I always told myself that I was too fat, uncoordinated, and obtuse to attempt to swirl my ass around a pole.  However, today is a new day.  Firstly, I have an ass I can swing around the pole, and that makes a difference.  Secondly, it’s one class, and if I hate it or accidentally break both ankles, my coccyx, and a femur or two, I don’t have to go back.  What’s to lose?

I know I write about yoga a lot, but I can’t help it.  Yoga is one of those things that make me smile that big, deep breath, smile.  Where you are purely happy to just exist.  There are no bills, to do’s, yesterday or tomorrow.  There is you hanging upside down, dripping sweat, in awe that you felt your spine align for the first time in probably your entire life.