With back to school this week for my gang, I feel it is pertinent to make some additions to Murphy’s Law of Motherhood:
7. You are not waking children in the morning. You are waking replicants of your childhood self as punishment for every morning you ruined for your own mother.
- Remember, pants are the enemy and as a perpetrator of the pants, you will be punished for your crimes.
8. While weekdays are impossible to wake up the children, they will absolutely wake up a scant 10 minutes later on the weekends with no problem.
- Pants will still be the enemy
9. Snacks are in no way optional, particularly after school. If you do not have the proper assortment of crap…er, snacks, prepare for mutiny
- Recommended strategy: leave snacks on the table, grab a beer, and hide in your room until they are satisfied
10. Rioting occurs for approximately 2 hours post bus drop off. This is your treat for working all day while they were at school. The best part? You get to cook dinner in the midst of “She looked at me!”, “I hate homework!”, and “Please put your pants back on before you go outside”
- Inevitably, you’ll feel guilty for planting them in front of the TV to attempt to grasp some sanity while cooking or risk forgetting half the ingredients.
- I forgot to add water to a one-ingredient boxed dinner once
11. Being assigned homework is YOUR fault, finding paperwork smushed at the bottom of the backpack is YOUR responsibility, and good luck finding shoes in the morning.
- Your attempts at organization via bins, baskets, etc. is futile and you need to just let that shit go
12. What’s that smell?
- Remember that sandwich you carefully made and packed with a loving little lunch note? Yeah, it’s on top of that paper their teacher emailed you about…
13. Need payback? Remember, you don’t have to talk to the kids on the bus – they do. Get creative with your drop off attire, hair, and makeup.
- Accessorize! Signage, wigs, etc. are great accents to your pick up and drop off decor. Don’t be shy, this is your time.
How about you? Any to add to the list? How’s back to school going if that’s a thing for you?
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