I did not miss you yesterday, and I do not miss you today. A song came on that I knew you would love, and that thought popped in my mind. My emotions said, “I wish you were here to hear it.” I took a breath, and exhaled reality: “I don’t need you to enjoy it, I will play it for me.” Under the full moon, I visualized us at the top of a mountain. I saw you as you were in the picture I took that you now use on dating sites. I saw you begging me not to cut the cord you had wrapped around my heart. In truth, it looked like razor wire. You gave me so many justifications to hold on, but I shook my head no. I severed the cord and watched you topple over the mountain. I felt no relief, I felt no different, because even in the midst of my mind, I knew you were nothing more than a figment. You are not you, you are the part of me that wants to suffer. You are nothing more than the landmines I plant in my own heart and mind to rob myself of smiles and joy.
I said it before to you, and I’ll say it again to me, since you don’t exist in my reality anymore. Our relationship was an exercise in sadism and masochism. You were the punishment I believe I deserve. I just don’t believe it anymore. I don’t deserve your pain and you never deserved me. Nothing you gave was worth the price I felt. I do not need this anymore.
They say grief is typically the loss of a future never to be had, and acceptance is realizing that future is not to be nor was it ever. For too long, I have tried to figure out how to make a future with you back in it, because I believed you were everything I had ever wanted. As I took the first few breaths of my newfound freedom, life feels better without your ghost haunting me. It is better to have loved and lost, and I am finally glad for both. You lied and manipulated me and it has taken me so long to connect illusion with reality.
You were necessary for me to see the veil of my own misery, but I allowed your memory too much power in my present. As when we were together, you are nothing more than the power I gave you. You were a crutch, a distraction from my own problems. As with a drug, my problems grew as I tried to escape them. I cannot say this will be forever. I don’t know what a moment from now holds any more than I do a month or year. Today, though, I am free. Today, you are figment. Today, I don’t need a figment to hold me captive, because I am tired of carrying around these chains. Today, I love you but I don’t want you. Today, you are a demon who once was a god. Today, you are a memory amongst a lifetime of memories. Dreams can become nightmares in a moment, and it is time I woke up.
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