Editor’s Note – I struggle with eating disorders. I am unsure if references to eating disorders could be triggering, but if it is possible, considered yourself warned?
Since I was 15, I have struggled with bulimia, anorexia, and binge-ing/emotional eating. Food is more of a weapon than a nutrient for me. I’d love to say that I’m all clear or anything, but that would be a lie. Emotional eating is my largest struggle and it is step one in my cycle. I eat too much, so I gain weight. I gain weight, so I start purging. I purge long enough, I start starving. This goes on until I have lost whatever I have deemed the weight required to lose. Right now, it’s 30 pounds. In two months, I have managed to eat 30 new pounds on me. Worse yet, it’s 10 pounds above my “acceptable” threshold”. I give myself a range that I know my weight will fluctuate and I need to not be upset about it. Well, now I am upset because I have tipped the scale, and my pants don’t fit.
I could go and blame a myriad of things – trauma, medication, anxiety, but I don’t believe in a victim mindset. Food comforts me, food tastes yummy. Food makes me feel better. Food makes me feel pathetic that I use food for more than staying alive. Food makes me feel fat, because I know I am fat. Food makes me depressed, because I hate how fat I am. I can’t blame food though, food is an inanimate object that I insert in my face. I can blame one symptom – my hand picks up food and inserts it in my mouth (or inserts finger in throat and gags). This behavior repeats. I only began speaking about my eating disorders 11 months ago. My recovery for 20 years of this behavior started then, so I think every step of progress I made, in lieu of that pathology is incredible.
So, here we are, I am at a crossroads. I know why I am eating so much – I am stressed the fuck out. I am embarking on every major life change at once. I am moving back in with my ex, who is still my ex, but he’s also my only local/available support system, and I need support. (+1 to me, I asked for help!), I am struggling with a lot of emotional issues and a pretty traumatic year, year to date (-1 to me, stop living in the past!), I am getting acclimated to being around my kids 7 days a week vs 4 from the separation (-1 for me, what mom doesn’t want to be around her kids all the time!), I am going through med changes, managing bipolar disorder, and all this other bullshit that I thought I had under wraps (-1 for me, you should think positively and back and forth is a natural progression!), and lastly, I love getting in my car with my best friend and blasting music and touring fast food joints. (+3 for me, that’s how people take care of themselves and live happy lives). I have gained 30 pounds, and feel like a blob! (-3 for me, and now I want to purge or starve..)
*Do not think I am advocating anything about anything here. My name is MahButtItches, okay? I’m a person who is sick and tired of being miserable and genuinely trying to find the balance of happiness and health, and I think everyone goes to extremes with both, and that balance is sorely lost in that equation. *
So, my relationship with food is one of comfort and one of self harm. My trips with my friend are amazing and dumb. The problem is that too much of a good thing is too much, so I am actually allowing myself to do a detox right now. I am taking a few days to do tons of infused waters, and honestly wean myself off all the sugar and crap I’ve been pounding (we’ll get to that in a moment). I am nervous about this, because restricting can be anorexic behavior too, but I have to make changes. I work best when I do drastic changes first then titrate into normal life. I also know that I get addicted to sugars and stuff. If I go without them for awhile, I stop craving them. My cravings are killing me most right now. I am not trying to give anorexia a new age name and say it’s okay. I am still eating, I am just only eating when I am hungry, raw nuts, produce, etc. and I am drinking looooots of water. I am attempting to walk the line of healthy approach to weight loss and food. Balance – which I lack.
You see, our fast food expeditions are not normal, hahaha. Recently, we drove to Moe’s Southwest Grill and chased it with Cinnabon. This was the most amazing night. I mean, I had the deliciousness of Moe’s porky carnita goodness with their ranch dressing and a big ass fried tortilla shell stuffed with lettuce so you can give yourself the illusion of salad, then a pecan caramel topped cinnamon bun for dessert. I may have asked for extra icing, because it was a long drive. 45 minutes for southwest and cinnamon buns shows you are committed. Don’t judge me. I had a green tea to help chase it down…
Prior to that, we may have done such adventures like Arby’s where I got a chocolate milkshake, and we chased it down with Dairy Queen. One time, we got milkshakes and Dairy Queen and drank them in the parking lot of Planet Fitness so that we could say we went to the gym. This might sound like the lamest excuse for a life, and I’ll not argue. I’ll just say that hours in your car with your best friend laughing your asses off is the best medicine you can get. If you chase said medicine with fried, fatty, creamy, delicious junk, it’s the added smile to get you through a week until you can do another fast food road trip.
The problem is, now I’ve gotten excessive. One day I ordered myself a chicken parm, calamari, and tiramisu and had a milkshake later. I was stressed and upset and opted to chase my feelings with fried fat and cheese. Every day simply cannot be a cheat day you know? I mean, I do yoga like crazy and I am a mom of 3 so occasionally movement happens, but not on any sort of training level that could offset my current milkshake mania.
The cool thing is though, I’m not upset. For all the factors I listed, the parentheses are how I have been arguing with myself, and in reality, having fun and laughing my ass off and pigging out randomly on junk food is what helps me cope with all of it. So, while my pants may be getting too tight, I am going to use this as an opportunity to gently care for myself and help myself fix my relationship with food, improve my relationship with myself, and lose at least 10 pounds, so that I can stop being upset about it (and fit in my pants). My number is kind of arbitrary – just the weight I was when I lost 70 pounds thanks to controling my binge-ing and embracing that produce is not a dirty word. I am going to write a bit about my journeys in fast food, food, and healing my eating disorders here.
What’s your favorite junk food? Describe it to me in all it’s filthy detail hahahaha. If you are struggling with an eating disorder and are looking for someone to talk to – feel free to reach out – firstname.lastname@example.org
Prior Road trip tales:
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Really love coming on and catching up with your posts – I’m never allow myself time for hobbies. I think your writing and your humor, oh man your humor, is just brilliant!! I love your quotes 😀 My best friend and I once walked out from a yoga class starting to get a mcds, and I agree that this is much better therapy than deep breathing at yoga. We call it ‘lovers therapy’ – we are not technically lovers, but we may as well be. Great post, yet again more great Goldbluming! (seriously tho, where the hell do you find them all!)
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❤ Thanks chica!!! Oh my gosh that is a riot, me and my friend say kind of the same. It's our therapy. She's an ER nurse with a crazy stressful schedule and hectic life and I'm a mom. I think those dumb trips (seriously, we drive 45 minutes to get cinnabon…hahahaha) give me a little umph to just deal with life.
I appreciate the fact that you notice and enjoy my Goldblum game. My skills are on point hahahaha. It's all Google. It's honestly a game to me. I won't post until I find the best possible Goldblum for the topic. I always wonder what would happen if he randomly came across my blog. Like, would he be flattered or be like what teh actual fuck is wrong with this woman? hahahahahaha 😀 😀 ❤ I will do my best to keep up the jokes and the Goldblum. 😉
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Oft! That sounds very deserving of a long drive for snacks! I always feel great from stuffing my face whilst chatting utter nonsense to my friend. We always say if we didn’t have each other we would probably be in jail by now, most likely for losing our shit and smashing a face or two 😂
I bloody love your Goldblum game 😂 I would love him to see it, I’m sure he would appreciate it. Especially the ones with his face on a woman’s body 😂😂 cracks me up 😂
I hope you find yourself in a less stressful situation soon.
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😊 thank you. It will get better. I figure this is the storm before the calm; my life is always backwards that way!
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Lovely blog……… I’m struggling with food too…… but in a different way. I’m a foodie. Have been obese since childhood. The aroma of food fattens me ha ha ha ………. So I’m trying to eat right and sensible.
I tend to lose my appetite when I’m upset. I lost 10 lbs just a few weeks after my 3rd because of severe postpartum depression. Thankfully, it has gotten a lot better. I do eat when I’m happy or in a good mood. I also bake which doesn’t help me in the sweets department. Fast food just seems so much quicker and easier! I do get a salad from McDonald’s sometimes and pretend I’m making healthier choices. Or, I make sure to eat the lettuce on my Big Mac. Healthy, right? I hope you feel better, soon! Much love and hugs! ❤ ❤
Oh my favorite junk food is a pizza with everything on it (pepperoni, bacon, sausage, green peppers, banana peppers, jalapeno peppers, onions, black olives, more bacon, cheese, etc.). But it HAS to be a Hunts Brothers pizza or it means nothing. Complete with a giant sweet iced tea. Or chocolate milk. And Oreos for dessert. You know what, I don't have a favorite junk food! Lol 😀
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Sometimes I get like that, too. I go either no appetite or eat everything in sight. hahaha, I will never be that mom that’s like “oh my god, McDonalds, never!” hell, I bribe my kids with milkshakes! I think i twas last year? all through march, I told them if we had a good week, I would do a Friday treat at McDonalds so we could get shamrock shakes. I feel like that is a win-win, better behavior and minty goodness? Done deal!
Mmmmm, I love supreme pizza and sweet tea is one of my addictions hahahaha. I love the double stuff oreos, I could eat an entire pack without thinking. I think like my favorite, favorite junk food is fresh baked chocolate chip cookies, warm from the oven. Oh my god…. nom nom nom hahahhahahaha
I also bribe my kids, sometimes 😁 mine is like, “don’t hurt each other today and you’ll both get a happy meal this weekend” I love those strawberry pies.
Fresh baked cookies you say? I think i know what I’m gorging myself with at 2 am! Lol