I hope you do not mind my letter, but I thought it was important to send. I heard a song that made me think of you. Well, you told me about the song, so it always makes me think about you. Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever hear music and not think of you. How many times did we drive listening to everything, or the times we’d snuggle up to YouTube. No matter how long it has been, I get chills thinking of us. Of all ways to fall in love with someone, to connect over music is the most dangerous, I think…
Anyway, I was wondering if maybe I had always focused on the wrong lyrics in the song. I always believed you were a good person, you brought out the best in me, and you were amazing. Now, I don’t even know anymore. I do wonder if your bite infected me with whatever is wrong inside of you. You always seemed so distant and closed off, and I always feared you would hurt me. Inside, I always thought that I could teach you to love me, but I always knew you were dangerous for me. I remember when I saw you the first night, I thought, “Don’t fall for him” The next day, I fell. How do you not fall for someone who seems to be everything you want? I don’t know if I should blame you or me, since I did kind of bring this on myself, huh…
Anyway, the song made me I remember seeing the texts you wrote to other chicks, and how angry I got. Underneath the anger, I felt sick. It was seeing my fear and worry black and white in front of my face. I know how you always said you did not really believe in monogamy, and how you never wanted a girlfriend or anything serious. I know I kind of just ignored you on that, and I know I projected a lot of my bullshit on you. Looking back, I know I was afraid of receiving the hurt of being cheated on, because I am a cheater.
I remembered when I cheated on you. You had pissed me off, so I invited a guy over. As he was shoving his cock in me, I closed my eyes and whispered fuck you to you. I am not sure if you knew I cheated or not – it was a few times – after I saw those texts. Despite those texts, I wanted to be with you. Anger made me lash out, love made me stay. How can I say I love you, yet cheat on you? How can you ask women for pictures of their ass while you are with me? I guess, maybe I should have listened to my instinct and stayed away from you. I guess, maybe I should have dealt with my own demons before giving them all to you.
Now you are gone, and I miss you still. I don’t understand how I can miss this so much. “If you love someone set them free” right? It hurts so much every time I realize that you are never coming back, you were never mine. Every time I think of you, I note how long it has been since I have spoken to you. Those words echo, and I know you were never mine. I still love you, no matter how much I try to ignore it. So, now I’m infected with you, wishing I could forget you, grateful for loving you, sad you never loved me. I haven’t been able to love anyone like I loved you, I haven’t dated, I tried to go back to the old slutty ways, but that makes me think of being a cheater. I’m tired of being a cheater. I guess learning the hard way to listen to my intuition is the price I pay for the pain of ignoring it for so long.