Starting another focus on the blog. In addition to being a crazy mom, I’m also a crazy music junkie, spirit junkie, and chocolate junkie. In these posts, I’m going to focus on music/movies/TV shows that have helped me venture further within, connect with myself/soul, and grow as a person – emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. My journey, as it were, is rather…metal!!! haha I guess, this is a good time to mention that I firmly believe almost every band I’ve stumbled on in my journey sings about consciousness and enlightenment and attempts to awaken listeners via subconscious triggers. I told you I’m crazy….or not?
Music has been a keystone of my life for as long as I can remember. When I was married, I lost my connection with music. Being a busy working mom, forgetting I exist as my own entity, I would listen to the radio occasionally. Music was the only way I was able to connect with my emotions. When I disconnected from music, I disconnected from myself. I felt like I was the walking dead, ravenously seeking anything to fill me with some semblance of joy or happiness. When I did listen to music, it would be the same shit I had listened to since I was a teenager. That’s not bad, but how many times can you listen to Stone Sour or Disturbed?
When Jack and I separated, I found myself with time on my hands, and I became obsessed with music again. I finally ventured out of my “standard” bands and checked out new ones. As I came out of my shell musically, I also started dating around (read: sleeping around). I tended to start all my conversations with potential paramours in and around music. So, I found myself exposed to a lot of new bands (and shitty dudes, yay Tinder!). In the midst of this, I started feeling the darkness I had been trying to ignore creeping in. It was September/October, 2015, 10 months since my separation. I had kept my social calendar so busy, I avoided coping with anything beyond “it is what it is, shut up and deal.”
I never really listened to Coheed beyond what was on the radio. My hobby was/is, finding a band, and listening to every album they’ve ever done starting from newest to oldest. I was blown away, and if I’m honest, a little pissed at myself that I never listened before. I’ve missed out on a lot of good music through the years. Luckily, I have time to catch up! My timing was pretty good, because on October 16th, they released The Colors Before The Sun. I’d had listened to Coheed nonstop for 2/3 weeks at this point. The song, Colors, changed my life forever. I remember feeling my throat tighten as years of tears erupted while the song ended. I restarted it, and I sobbed. I must have listened to that song 20 times back to back, as I felt the first boulder lodged in my mind and heart finally give way.
I had felt my soul rotting while I was married, and I accepted that I would never be happy. I was miserable, and I helped to foster a very unhappy environment for everyone. My marriage was toxic; hell, my relationship with myself was toxic. I had turned to the church seeking answers and solace but found myself hating myself more. As I sobbed to Colors, I felt my soul take the first gasp of air it had in probably a decade.
Every song on the album is amazing; Colors, Atlas, and Peace to the Mountain were the ones I listened to most. I played Atlas when I missed my kids, and I’d fall asleep to Peace to the Mountain every night. Even now, I meditate to Colors and Peace to the Mountain. The kids fell in love with Peace to the Mountain; we’d listen to it every day. It was as if that album began the process of healing we all desperately needed. It also started our journey into music together. Nowadays, they introduce me to as many artists/songs as I do for them. It’s pretty amazing. We started watching Coheed videos on YouTube, and I’d feel myself genuinely smiling as I watched the boys play air guitar while my daughter headbanged.
Coheed started my few timid steps into the light. My soul had a taste of the cooling waters of healing and became a frenzied fiend. I look back on my Coheed months and I feel the bittersweet pangs of starting to rip open scabs, as I was still cutting fresh ones with trying to escape my pain through men/alcohol/eating disorders. It feels like I am writing about a different person, except she’s sitting right here, finally being honest with her keyboard (with awesome hair and tattoos now hehe).
I met the man who catapulted me into trying to figure my shit out during the Coheed phase. He’ll probably come up a lot, so I will call him Oogie. I was blasting Atlas when I pulled in to meet Oogie. By the time I got back in my car to go home, I was in in love with him. My unrequited love, I suspect, is what drove me crazy enough to actually go crazy. Most of the bands I love sing about unrequited love, so I guess this is the path for many. Girl loves man, man does not love girl, girl journeys to become a Buddha… Soooooo cliche…
Coheed started this journey, and there are many other bands who guided every footfall since. I’ve come away from picking scabs and creating wounds to carving the woman I want to be from the soul out. Looking back, the power of the subconscious overwhelms me. Knowing what I do about myself, my core beliefs, and core wounds that I have finally embraced, I see why I was so immersed in this album. It is a father’s desperate wish to not pass his pain to his child. You can hear it in every song – especially Atlas. Even the album title inspired me. Pain gives duality/black and white nature; honestly, I think bipolar and trauma are linked. If you can rise above, you remove the duality to see the rainbow of our true nature – The Colors Before the Sun (and colors of the chakras!)
It’s Claudio’s healing journey, and his beautiful music began me on mine. Namaste!
((this is just my favorite song…the guitar solo steals my breath every time))
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