From My Mouth – May 8, 2017

I am human; therefore, I fart.  I wouldn’t say I am proud of my ass-plosions, but as Shrek would say “better out than in”

Jack and I took the kids to the Renaissance Faire over the summer, where I enjoyed a lot of wine and a massive turkey leg.  On the ride home, that turkey leg had its revenge – on my (itchy) butt, and the unlucky inhabitants of the car.  The kids loudly complained about my ass trumpeting, and I defended myself.

Me: It’s not my fault, children.  These are #turkeyfarts (yes, I literally said hashtag, because I am with it and hip.  Tuck-a tuck-a tuck-a)

Further turkey farts led me to recite my favorite line from Austin Powers:

“Pardon me for being rude, it was not me, it was my food. It just popped up to say hello, and now it’s gone back down beloooow”

My daughter now says this every time she farts.  #proudparenting #raisinemright

When my parents asked the kids how the Ren Faire was, they all told them in great detail about my #turkeyfarts.  I like to think I make my parents proud, ya know?

For Barrel’s bday, I made him a rainbow layer cake covered in sprinkles.  Please, don’t for a second think I have a clue what I’m doing, I literally bought pouches that were pre-dyed or whatever and I mixed them together and baked.  It came out beautifully.  Anyway, Barrel was jumping up and down looking at his cake – I was really proud of myself.  He shouted “sprinkle time!” and farted really loudly.  I’ve never seen a child look so proud.

Lastly, this week is Nurse Appreciation week.  Almost all of my best friends are nurses, so I want to say thank you to them and all nurses.  I have heard a lot of poop related horror stories thanks to these fine ladies, so ya know, these women not only help people get back to health, they also wipe asses, hold penises, and clear impacted colons.  This is not a job for the faint of heart.  Enjoy your free Cinnabon, Ladies.  I’ll likely be going again tomorrow…because…I like buttery buns.  I’m worth it. I am not a nurse, but I used to clean up a lot of poop.  Now I just clean up piss covered toilets, because WHY AIM, right boys?

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