That damn song has been stuck in my head all day. Following up on Finding Center and Book Club! I’m almost done The Universe Has Your Back. I am also doing the daily work of “Miracles May Happen” I actually am staying on Day 3, because it’s been very difficult for me, and it’s providing me a lot of insight and opportunities for healing and growth.
The very simple concept of both books is “replace fear with love” Love, for me, is a very difficult concept. Love hurts is my core belief/wound. In all relationships, etc. I inevitably manifest the love that hurts, because I struggle with loving myself. This is very textbook and uninteresting. (Unless you are me, in which case it somewhat sucks to be me haha) Before I had gotten sick, I was undergoing the painful process of examining my cycles/patterns in terms of self harm, abusive relationships, etc. It is my honest belief that my meditation connected me with these emotions, etc. and I wasn’t ready, frankly, to contend with it all.
Before I had gotten sick, though, I found myself in the flow. My life had almost become like my stream of consciousness brain. It was as if I was finding seemingly endless routes of inspiration, wisdom, etc. Synchronicity was happening a lot. Like many, I was seeing a lot of 11:11, etc. or thinking of a person and seeing them, etc. “Hippie shit” as I like to call it. I’d think of a song, and it would play. I also found all symptoms of mental health were manageable/improving. Anxiety and depression were both very minimal. I wasn’t manic, but I was happy.
Let me pause and say, I’m by no means attempting to make you do anything “My way” or even think “my way”. I am writing this like an excited child who wants to tell you about a great day at school, okay?
I’ve always felt, logically, “look for the good, find the good”, but in reality, we’re all seemingly so trained to look for the bad. I read somewhere once, and it has stuck with me every day of my life since:
“When someone says I love you, you ask why, but when someone says I hate you or anything negative, you ask no questions. This is why people cannot be happy.”
Last week, I had told myself the self talk was going to change and I was going to get myself out of this hole. A few days later, my friend told me to get these books. Since reading these books, I feel as though I have found the flow again. My sign for the universe that I had picked was a hawk. It was the first thing that came to mind, and I have been seeing them constantly as it was. I had been thinking of them as signs for awhile now, because they mean perception and clarity, which is what I’ve been seeking. Maybe I’ll go on about that another time.
Before getting to that part of the book, I was sitting in the grass reading, and I looked up to see Jack changing his oil with the boys. Seeing my boys grinning happily as they helped their dad made me grin. It was a moment that I instructed myself to take that mental picture. Record it all and remember every second you can, because it is one you will come back to when the days are dark. My youngest’s squinched up face grinning as he’s asking Daddy questions, my oldest’s serious tone, with all the sage knowledge of a 10 year old and years of mechanical experience telling his brother what to do, and Jack instructing them and laughing. As I drank this moment, a massive hawk flew overhead – right over the gang. His wings were spread and he hovered for a moment. I felt my grin widen as I felt hugged by the sun. I felt whole.
The next day, I did the morning exercise, and as I was leaving my parking lot, I looked left and saw a massive hawk overhead, and he followed me partially to Wawa. Yesterday, I went to go check out a crystal store (because I AM a hippie!) and I saw 3 hawks overhead as I drove. Why all the hawks? Well, I had requested in my meditation/intention, for the universe to treat me like a child and hold me. Reassure me frequently, so that my confidence will grow, so that I can get back to where I was.
In addition, I’ve been seeing the times like crazy – 11:11, 10:10, and 4:44. My purchase today was $11.11. It’s silly stuff like that; it could mean absolutely nothing, but it does make me smile, and that alone is priceless.
While in the car with my friend to go to the crystal shop, I opened up about where I am struggling. I know for a fact that I am blocked – energetically if you look into chakras, emotionally, and mentally. I know, physically, there is nothing really wrong with me (apparently anemia…), but I know mentally I am not where I want to be. I said that I believe the blocks are that I cannot handle my broken heart. I believe I have put my head down, pushed through, etc. so much that my very being has put me in time out until I clean house, so to speak. I think my meditation, etc. will not proceed unless I stop detaching/denying my emotions. I believe this all started when I got sick, and that, in a sense, it was a good thing, because all the dark came to the light. Jung talks of embracing your shadow self, to transform. (Forty Six & 2 by TOOL does too!!)
I think that’s where I am. My shadow and energetic body are seeking transformation. In non hippie t
erms, my soul is constipated and I need to poop really badly. After we got home, I checked my email, and “coincidentally” there was a message about healing the heart chakra – received at the same time I was talking about it. I set intention to work on this area, and found this amazing channel on youtube that does frequency music for healing/relaxation/meditation/etc. I found one for heart chakra, and as I closed my eyes, I could physically feel the pain in my chest. So much pressure. I kept breathing in to it, and I swear, I felt like my heart was giving birth or something. I imagine what a gallstone could feel like passing. Painful, almost burning, not fun. It lasted a bit, and subsided. Then I felt anger. Intense anger as memories of past loves hurting me. Then I felt peace and calmness.
Today, I did yoga for the first time in 3 months. I’ve had the music on all day, to be honest, and my energy and smile are fabulous. I have tons of ideas flowing, and I had an amazing meditation too.
I’m not writing this to brag like oh look at me, just “oh my gosh this is so cool” I have not felt this radiating calmness and security in so long. The “hippie shit” makes me SO happy.
Namaste!!! (AHHH haven’t felt right saying it for so long!!!)