Like every mother, my children drive me insane. I truly love them, but I genuinely also kind of want to duct tape them to the wall a lot.
In addition to making me more broke than I ever thought possible, they also seem to drain me of sanity, intelligence, and occasionally will to get out of bed. I’m kidding, but not really. It’s nuts man, three kids is just… but they are amazing.
I’ve been genuinely struggling with parenting in general. I’m not trying to start some sort of gender war, here, but lacking testicles/testosterone makes me kind of … weak? in the discipline department. What I mean is, I’m 5’5″ and I sound like I’m 11. When I scream, it’s shrill and kind of what you’d imagine if Gilbert Godfrey got surprised by a cactus up his ass. It’s not intimidating, it’s just kind of annoying for me and them. It’s probably more annoying for me, because I’m trying to really get a point across, and I would have been better served carrying on a conversation with my wall. I try not to smack the kids, but sometimes I do, because sometimes I don’t know what else to convey to them. I do it calmly, not like beating the shit out of them screaming “this is what you get” it’s one of those threatened, counted, calmly initiated situations, that, to me, are actually worse, because you know it. That said, my five year old laughed at me the last time I cracked him on the ass.
Obviously the standards apply – grounding, timeouts, etc. I guess, and maybe I’m overly optimistic, I feel as though if I find… a proper way to parent? maybe some of the issues would stop repeating? I honestly believe a big part of my issues lie with me. I know for a fact after me and Jack split, I allowed guilt and whatnot to make me too lax. Additionally, I was depressed, overwhelmed, and kind of a lost soul (read: Human). I started getting things in order, I had a nice routine going and I was actually doing really well. Naturally, it fell apart. As I struggled more with all of my brain stuff, my life stuff became more difficult.
I genuinely believe that not only are my kids little mirrors of me, but they feed off my energy. I feel that way about everyone; it’s one of the reasons I tend to avoid people. I tend to just absorb everything like a damn sponge and feel out of sorts and confused. It’s hard, too, because there is guilt for me. Not just the separation, but I don’t want to be anxious/depressed/etc. around them. I completely realize that it is not completely in my control, but I hate seeing their faces contorted with worry. They know when I’m not right.
I’m not sure how everyone meditates, but I tend to converse with the universe. Sometimes, I find ideas coming to me after I finish, or I free write and find ideas that I did not have. Whatever you want to cite as the source, I don’t care, but I did a really cool meditation for Kundalini energy. My intentions were to essentially manifest the life I want. Part of where I focused in my meditation was how to be the mother I want to be.
Last night, I started teaching the kids how to meditate. They know it a bit, because obviously they’ve seen me meditate, and when I was doing better, we all did Yoga together. I found kids meditations, and we all sat together to meditate. I started explaining to them that meditation can be a skill and a tool to help them in every part of their lives. I decided I wanted to try to use meditation instead of time outs. I also decided I wanted to try to use mindfulness and breathing to help me manage things a bit better.
Today, as they were losing their shit in my car and my youngest accidentally spilled a drink in my car, I let myself let out just an “AAAH” then I breathed deep in my belly, and I recited my affirmation from my book “I am willing to see this differently, I am willing to see this with love” it helped me calm down, and I got us all home without any further incident.
I also thought, maybe, malas would help the kids. I gave them each a mala. I explained that, realistically, they can use a mala how they wish. It’s personal to them. I suggested to my daughter that she uses the beads to help her stop biting her nails. When she feels like biting, run the beads through her fingers and say whatever mantra comes to mind for her. I gave my oldest a set and suggested that he keep them in his pocket, and when he feels like fidgeting or is struggling to pay attention in class, run his fingers over the beads to help him stay where he needs to be. My youngest, I just said don’t break it. heh.
I also gave my oldest his first crystal. It’s actually kind of cool. So, I gave him Tektite, which helps with negative energy, raising your aura, and also helps with breaking through, essentially. If there is something you are working on – even career wise, whatever, tektite is to help you reach next levels. I had bought with my first batch of crystals and I lost it almost right away. I was so upset, because I absolutely loved the energy I felt holding it. I searched EVERYWHERE for this thing and I could not find it.
Yesterday, I stopped by my place, and the Tektite was sitting on the ground next to my bed, like it had been placed there. There is no way I would have missed it; this happened 2 months ago at this point. It didn’t fall out/get knocked out of anything either, because I tore everything apart looking for it. It felt like a little miracle or maybe a little nod from the universe. I gave it to my big guy, because he told me he had a nightmare, I’ve been telling him I want him to find ways to both control his anger and make himself happier. I thought maybe the Tektite could help.
So, meditation and malas are some ideas I’m having. I also told the kids good behavior would earn crystals, since they all seem to want to collect them. It’s kind of cool how much they emulate me in things. We shall see how it all goes.
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