From My Mouth

Since I didn’t post one yesterday, I’ll do two today, because I’m actually attempting to exercise some semblance of consistency and discipline in my life.

Today, I’d like to tell you about the worst date I’ve ever had.  I wrote about it in an old blog, but this always makes me laugh.  Anyhoo, this is predominantly going to be told in the form I told one of my best friends:

This was a “date” from Tinder.  I met this dude, and we had the most amazing convo via text.  (as an aside, this encounter forced me to realize that everyone is different in text form.  I kind of knew that, but the concept of chemistry became very, very clear to me) Okay, so yeah we were talking until like 4AM or something ridiculous.  Just an amazing conversation.  He, like me, is obsessed with Maynard, he’s a drummer, etc. etc. I was SUPER excited to meet him.  We met up at my favorite place, which I’ll admit, is a stupidly overpriced bar that has a massive beer selection.  Jack took me there once trying to cheer me up and I told him “Dude, we need to leave, I cannot allow you to spend this kind of money on me.  This place is reserved for me trolling for free drinks.  You know, men I don’t care about to spend money on me.  Let’s just go grab a six pack or something.”  (I’m not saying I condone or condemn this behavior, I am just saying if someone offers to buy me beer, I am not necessarily going to say no, and if I’m going to meet someone, I’d rather do it somewhere I enjoy that I normally can’t afford…PARTICULARLY when shit works out this way.)

Okay, so we’re at the bar, and from the get go, I feel the understanding that I’m not jiving with this chap.  He’s too excited and it’s kind of…odd.  We can all sit here and be like “oh my gosh, you should be confident in yourself and enjoy when people react to you” or some other such nonsense, but this dude kind of put me in mind of a chihuahua.  After 2 beers and some apps, he requested the check.  My eyebrows raised, because that, to me, is totally rushing it.  However, I excused his behavior away because I knew that he was terribly excited to listen to music with me, etc. I get it.  When you bond with someone about bands, you do want to do the music thing together.

We go back to my house, because my assessment was he’s a dork but not a serial killer.  Off the bat, I’m irritated.  I value personal space highly.  I don’t like people near me or touching me unless I initiate it, I guess.  I have a couch (shocking) but like, when people come over, I purposely sit on the one side, I put my shit in the middle, and they may sit on the other cushion or my two chairs.  He MOVED my shit and sat next to me.  He put his arm around me.  I utilized body language to indicate I was not a fan, but apparently subtly is not this guys strong suit, so I got up and moved to the chair.

My biggest problem is that I try to be too goddamn understanding of people.  This dude is vet of the Afghanistan war, and I found his story very sad and incredible.  He was talking about how difficult it is to come home from a situation where you are fighting for your life non stop to…grocery shopping.  So, my heart was kind of pulled with so much compassion for him, and I genuinely kept trying to give him leeway, because I could tell this was his first foray into dating, he was nervous, and he liked me a lot.  I said to my friend, “I kept saying to myself, dude, this is some sort of patriotic duty…suck it up, buttercup.” Unfortunately for him, he was annoying me too much.

I blame myself in everything, I should have just said it’s time for you to go, or something, but I always worry about hurting people’s feelings.  I kept kind of making excuses for him, and tried to tolerate him, but he actually annoyed me into not giving a fuck.

He attempted to put moves on me, and it just wasn’t happening.  He then attempted to snuggle with me, as if there was some sort of post coital bliss, and as I said to my friend, “I was sitting there struggling to understand what we were celebrating here? An overwhelming sense of malaise?”

He tried to apologize for himself, saying something to the effect of “I’m sorry, I’ve never really dated anyone before.” Until that point, I had continued trying to be nice, because I thought maybe we could be friends, but my tongue got the best of me and I go “Well, you might want to continue that trend.” This went over his head, and he continued trying to snuggle me.  He was like a 3 year old attempting to behave as a “man”.  It seriously was like he’d never been around a chick before.  I looked at him and said, “Look, I don’t want you to touch me.  I don’t like being touched, and frankly, every time you do, I silently wish for your untimely death, so it’s in your best interest to stop.”

After he left, he texted me something about really liking me and feeling a true connection.  I responded “We’re not compatible in any form of the word, don’t contact me again.” and I blocked him.

I had said to my friend, “I realize I’m really being harsh here.  I don’t normally just rip people to shreds like this, but I am so angry at the situation.  I was so excited to meet this guy, and if he had behaved like a human being, it could have been fun.  I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do with a manhuahua interrupting my YouTube experience.  I also noticed, when he went to the bathroom, he brought himself a bottle of rum and magnum sized condoms.  I’m glad he was so confident in is inabilities.”

I’m really glad for this experience, because I finally got over my fear of being rude to people, as in the case of my second worst “date” that wasn’t a date.

Another guy was clearly friendzoned by me, because I said “I’m really glad I met you! I’ve been trying to expand my circle of friends, and I love that you do karaoke!” (don’t judge…haha)  But we hung out once, and I was not feeling anything more than friendship, which is why I said FRIEND 3 separate times to this guy.  Three separate texts, I referred to him as my friend.  He asked me to hang out again, and I said sure.  Like Malaise Bolognaise above (that’s what I call him now), personal space eluded him, he moved my shit from my middle cushion and got in my space. He said something about “wanting to see if we could spark some chemistry” ARGH! Even worse, he had a booger in his nose.  He rubbed my back and stuff and I glared at him and obviously faked a yawn and was like “Oh! well, it’s time for you to go, I’m tired and you’re not sleeping here. ”  He tried to kiss me as I was escorting (read: shoving) him to my door.  I moved, opened my door and said “oh look, snow, you better hurry.”  He said “I’ll text you when I get home!” and I said “oh don’t worry about that.” I never spoke to him again; nor did I inform him of the massive booger that was hanging out.  I imagined his face when he would eventually look in the mirror and see what he was rocking while he was trying to make moves.  Ugh.

#whyIamsingle