From My Mouth

Today, I present a collection of lyrics I’ve fucked up over the years (think “pour some shook up ramen”)  Please note, like, I actually sang this shit out loud in front of other people and got corrected…

…That’s all I can think of right now.

Additionally, despite my really good memory, movie titles and actor names escape me

  • Once, to my ex, I go “hey, who was the orange haired guy in the blue penis movie?” This, right here, is why I will always love that man.  Without missing a beat, he goes, “are you talking about Jackie Earl Haley (Rorshach) in Watchmen?”
  • “Is that the big black dude … you know the coffee guy in green mile…didn’t he die?”
  • “OH MY GOD! That’s Mr. Anderson!” (Me watching Lord of the Rings) – Jack goes “Dude, first of all, Mr. Anderson is Neo, that’s Hugo Weaving…come on”
  • “Was the M-O-O-N guy from the Stand in Coach?”

I sang An Ode to My Family by the Cranberries on Rock Band the other night, and I kind of got offended that they had such a huge hit with so much “doo doo”… Here I sit, with my itchy ass blog with less than 100 followers, and I talk about doo doo all the time.  I’m just saying…

Speaking of my blog, BIG NEWS everyone.  I’m really, really proud of this.  I did some quick math, and if I add together all of my Mahbuttitches social media followers, I finally have more followers on my writing than I do on my Tinder.  Take THAT hook up sites!

Since we’re talking about my vagina…well, not technically my vagina, just the number of men that want to like, meet my vagina… So, a friend and I got to talking about the names of vagina parts, because to me, they are not attractive sounds… The conversation started with me noting sagely, “Why do we put ourselves through so much for ugly, fleshy mushrooms?” then we kind of went through what vagina parts actually sound like.  Clitoris, to me, sounds like an insect.  I said something like “Oh honey, I left some labia for you in the fridge…”

“Oh great sweetie! Is it minora or majora?”

I mean seriously, doesn’t testicles actually sound like a Greek God?  “Testicles sacked the great city of Baal, by driving the inhabitants nuts…” oh my god, that’s terrible.  I need to go get my coffee..

This convo reminded me of this bit by Louis CK –

I’ll end with this, my youngest loves “Baby Got Back”.  One day, my daughter goes “Mom, Barrel was drawing butts at school today.”

“Barrel, you cannot draw butts at school, buddy.  That’s not polite”

“Mom, I make big butts, and I cannot lie”

…I had to leave the room I couldn’t control myself, I had tears running down my face as I was laughing.

‘Til next time, try your waitress and tip the veal.




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