10:10

I search my face in the mirror.  My pupils are dilated once again.  Large black orbs obfuscate the normal blue or grey hue.  I dourly ponder if it is a desperate attempt by my soul to find light in my self-imposed darkness.  “Who are you in there?” I muse aloud, to no one in particular.  As I stare, the crushing weight of hopelessness hits me with a knock out punch.  I take the strings of my hoodie in my hand and attempt to choke the life out of me.

The strings bite my skin as I feel the flesh turn raw.  I watch the whites of my eyes begin to redden as blue creeps along my lips.  It’s been a few minutes, but nothing has changed, except my hands hurt and I realize I am not strong enough.  I sigh and hike my hoodie up to hide the new marks.  No one notices anyway, I acknowledge.  As I gather a few new breaths in my sore lungs, I wonder if all of this was meant to teach me that everything I have ever thought was wrong.

I search the mirror again.  My pupils are normal size.  I wish I could see what my soul looked like in that moment.  A picture of my children catch my eye, as I love you Mommy echoes hauntingly in my ears.  “Are you going to wish or choose?” as I slap myself back to reality.