Lost Soul

The words Lost Soul have been on my mind a lot lately.  Those words have always resonated with me, because it’s just how I feel.  More often than not, I feel as though I am wandering around searching for meaning in everything.  It hit me a night or two ago that I have been so busy searching, I have gotten myself completely turned around.

“Everything happens for a reason” always gave me comfort.  In my seemingly endless charade of blunders, that is what I recited to myself.  After I gave my daughter up for adoption, I believed that finding Jack was the reason for the suffering before.  When I gave birth to our son, I believed that was the beauty in the pain of the adoption.  I could go on and on.  After I cheated on Jack, I realized that I could not stop hurting myself.  I stayed in the “relationship” with this other man who was clearly hurting me and offering me nothing, the situation grew worse, and my mind could not handle it.

This pattern has continued virtually unabated.  I involve myself with people who hurt me and I somehow convince myself that this is for a reason, and that I have to find the reason to stop the pain.  I’m not even sure if that makes sense, but I am confident that is my fucked up logic.  The man who totaled my car had hurt me previously, and I forgave him and gave him another chance, in a sense.  So much so, I was attempting to help him.  The ex boyfriend I’ve written about many times chewed my mind up and spit me out.  I kept going back for more; I begged him to take me back.  I write this in shame and embarrassment, because I do not know the woman who behaves this way.  Yet, I do, because that woman is me.

I am tired of living my life under the belief that love is supposed to hurt.  As I have grown older, the problems this is causing me are catastrophic.  I’m finally realizing that it is actually foolish to sit and attempt to find the reason why for all of this.  It’s like searching through day old poop to understand what you ate.  At the end of the day, you still pooped and it’s over.  That’s gross.  Anyway, to me this is all old news, redundant, here we go again bullshit.  I keep saying how I can’t handle this nonsense anymore, yet I feel I’ve written about this multiple times already.

I understand that, when not deserving love or not understanding love is a core belief, one you have had since you are young, it is very, very difficult to re-teach and establish healthy relationships.  I understand that you learn more from mistakes then success, but come the fuck on.  I cannot deal with the same mistakes happening, seemingly, no matter what I do.  I had believed if I found myself, I would change everything.  At this juncture, I assume I still must not have found myself.

At this juncture, I am going to stop searching, too.  I have spent my life fighting everything – myself most of all.  I’m not fighting anymore.  Frankly, I have no idea what I’m doing.  Somehow, I have to figure out how to forgive myself and somehow, I have to figure out how to let go.  All of my yesterdays are dictating far too much of this moment and the next.  Far too many people dictate my thoughts and emotions.  I’ll never be the captain of my soul if I’m the slave of my mind.  I highly doubt, too, I can stop being a lost soul if I don’t turn my head around and look at where I am versus where I’ve been.

I’m going to fix this, and I’m going to find my feet again.  I’m going to learn how to trust my mind, heart, and intuition.  None of this is meaningless, but all this suffering is not worthwhile.