Attachment

The other word that has been on my mind is attachment.  Before I had gotten sick/psychotic/whatever the fuck happened, I had acknowledged to myself that I was a Love Addict.  I had also realized that I was addicted to self abuse.  I finally connected that I did not feel normal or right if I wasn’t hurting myself or being hurt by someone.  This was an interesting time in my life, because realizations came to me through journaling that were essentially confirmed in research.  I had felt as though my soul and I were finally communicating.  I would write about this and, for once, I felt in tune with myself.  I think that is what I am trying to do right now.  After everything happened, I tried to stay away from being completely honest, because I found myself terrified of myself.

At this point, there is a freedom of feeling as though I truly have nothing to lose.  Over the past few months, I have felt as though I’ve lost almost everyone in my life.  It is understandable, as I have always known caring about me is very difficult.  When you love someone and watch them embark in behaviors, etc. that are clearly harmful, it is painful and I do think you reach a point where you say, I can not take this any longer.  At the same time, I would do everything in my power to not lose people, because I wanted everyone to love me.  I’ve spent so much time perpetually anxious that people were upset with me or angry with me.  Most of my life was spent wanting to make people proud.

When I stood in the scrap yard looking at my totaled car, I was sobbing.  It seems silly to say that – it’s a car.  However, that car helped me overcome a crippling fear of driving and opened a world where I found my greatest form of coping.  Driving to music healed me immensely.  It gave me a space where I could quietly lose myself to my thoughts and feelings, connected with music, focused without ruminating.  As I looked at my car, I realized too, that if I was in it, I would be dead.  That is when attachment came to mind.  Days before the accident, I had a feeling that I needed to protect myself and make changes.  I had detached my emotions, but I did not act in any other way.  As I’ve said, the fallout has me questioning my instincts, etc. but it also has me realizing how largely irrelevant so much is.

People and things will always come and go.  Situations, emotions, problems, etc. are all impermanent.  I wonder now if I have grown so accustomed to feeling as I do, that I am attached to my addictions and pain.  It would make sense that it is easier to create situations that make me feel like crap then to explore the roots as I was previously.  I know that I prefer to focus on others problems as an excuse to ignore mine.  I know that I restarted these cycles after I got sick.  I know that part of the reason I got sick was that I was terrified of the nightmares/flashbacks I was having, because I had no idea what to do with them.

I have always known that I am an addict, but I have always been grateful that my self awareness kept me away from hard drugs, full blown alcoholism, etc.  There is a mechanism in me that has pulled me back from the edge so many times.  So, while I do not use the hard drugs, I escape nonetheless with people.  I know full well when I situation is harmful and I watch it tear me up.  I seek out memories, etc. that trigger the ruminating emotions and thoughts and let myself sit in it for days.  All of these things are my normal, and I have realized that I am attached to it.  Anything else feels unnatural and I will take it away from myself, because I love to hurt myself.

I have sought so many ways to change this simple fact or change my focus.  It never lasts, because I don’t think I want it to.  Who am I, if I’m not healing from something? Who am I, if I’m not enmeshed in some bullshit situation? Who am I, if there’s not an apostrophe before me? It is very hard to be so self aware, yet lie to yourself and say you are powerless to stop it.  Something is changing in me, though.  I am starting to feel apathy again, and I am starting to be honest with myself again.  I see, very clearly, that I attach to people who do not care about me.  I love it, because it makes me think and ruminate about why they do not care.  It alienates the people who do care.  It distracts me from myself.

Things really started changing for me when I acknowledged: I am an addict who is addicted to self harm.  I am tired of this behavior, and I want to change.  I have been struggling for months now – I started struggling with eating disorders again, sex addiction again, isolating, and taking away everything that I found for myself that gives me peace, happiness, and comfort.  I am attached to my own suffering, and I will not live this way any more.  Someone had told me, it does not matter how many times you fall, as long as you get up.