Another 6 miles under my belt from yesterday – went back to the lake with my friend. That puts me over 20 miles this week alone. (Side note – If you are in to running/walking/hiking/biking, please check out Charity Miles app – it will track your miles and donate to the charity of your choice!!! There is another app called donate a picture, once a day, you can submit a photo of your choice for charity.)
I was going to go clubbing last night, but my feet, legs, and ass told me no. As I was picking up my phone to call my best friend for our usual 2+ hour catch up, she called me. We reviewed my thoughts on going clubbing, she convinced me, along with my legs, ass, and feet, to stay down. Grabbing bagel bites (I earned it!), and a glass of red wine, I flopped on the couch. After I got off the phone with her, I went up to bed and passed out at about 9. (Party in your 30’s)
One of my other best friends called me and asked me to go to NY with her today. Finally forcing myself out of isolation pushed me immediately into happiness. Friendships, for me, are difficult. My brain tells me to stay away from people, because all I do is hurt them. It’s a lie, though, as my friends over the past 2 weeks have shown me that not talking to them is hurting them most. Everyone has been worried sick about me, but I also know that shutting down helps me, so I do my best, and let it go.
One of my other best friends sent me a book and a 2 page letter of comfort and love on Tuesday. I opened her care package as my depression was creeping up again. I started crying – she wrote about what our friendship means to her, and she sent me a book on Jesus’ teachings and love. I started crying; I was so deeply moved. My depression shrunk faster than balls in cold water.
It is always difficult for me to make new friends, because I allow my struggles to dictate my life and hinder me. I have to find a way to remember, when depression or anxiety start their bullshit, that there are people who love me and have my entire life. It doesn’t matter what depression lies, because truth is inescapable. I am not alone. I am loved.
The woman I’m going to NY with today has been my friend for almost 30 years. When I was 19 and pregnant, she was the one who made me smile and laugh when I swore I couldn’t. One night, she threw a party and forced me to come. I listened to her, and ultimately, I’m 7 months pregnant, naked in a hot tub, laughing my ass off. This is love and friendship. I have so many rocks in my life that I can bash my head in, or stand up and climb. A week ago, when I woke up and dashed off to hike, I was faced with a choice – let depression eat me alive, or rise above. Intuitively, I knew if I did not do something immediately, I was going to spiral down too far. I almost died a month ago, so I’m taking survival rather seriously as of late. Admittedly, I got too serious.
Since last Saturday, everything is changing. I’m pushing myself to connect with people, because none of us are meant to live in isolation. Solitude is incredible, healing, cathartic, but too much of a good thing can still poison you. When my ex came to take the kids to his house yesterday, he gave me a huge hug, and he said, “Daina, I’m so happy to see you smile. I’ve been worried sick about you, but you have it. I can see it. You have it. I love you, I’m so happy for you. I love you.” I grinned at him, and I said, “Dude, it feels so good to be me again.” and he nodded and said he hasn’t seen me in so long. There is no human who knows me like my ex, there’s no human that’s hurt me like my ex, and I am so grateful that we live in love. The man who punched me is also the man who loves me. The woman who verbally and emotionally abused him is the woman who went insane fixing herself in pain and misery from her marriage ending. That woman, now, finally accepted her marriage is over, she didn’t fail her children, and she is beautiful and loved. (she’s also a badass addicted to hiking, and NONE of her friends can believe it – seriously, you have to understand, I am the biggest baby!!! “ew, bugs?” was me)
I’m so excited to go to NY, it’s my favorite place in the world. I am so excited to spend the day with my best friend. My legs, ass, and feet feel better, so hopefully I can do more miles, and I hope I stay clothed, although maybe the Naked Cowboy needs some company – Ow! Ow! Ow!