A week or two ago, my oldest said, “Mom, Dad is cooler than you. He has a motorcycle and a tattoo.” I have to admit, that stung. For one, his math confused me – I have 3 tattoos, so I don’t entirely understand that. However, his words actually stung because it was a truth I did not want to hear. I had lost myself again. When I was married, Evan (my ex-husband/their dad) begged me to find joy, interests, passions, etc. At the time, all I did was read. This is not, in any way, bad, but what lit me up? I was so miserable in life and marriage, that I was not even listening to music. When we separated, the first re-connection I made to my true self was coming back to my love and passion of music.
Lately, though, I have been struggling with my emotions and mind. Depression, anxiety, and an overwhelming sense of despair were my wake ups combined with coffee and melancholy. I have not been pleasant to be around more often than not, but I had accepted it as a storm that must pass. Solemn, somber, quiet would be apt descriptions, which is not bad, as I do love being contemplative. I was veering into whining territory, though. To know me is to know that I am rarely serious. I love to laugh, be capricious, spontaneous, random, passionate, and SILLY.
To know me is to know that the first time I climbed a mountain, I did it in heels. My boyfriend at the time, 2 friends, and I climbed a mountain the day after he and I saw Puscifer. I was not dressed for the occasion in my sexy boots (I looked DAMN fine that night, Maynard totally saw me…in my dreams…possibly…) I digress… Anyway, we climbed a mountain. I was lagging behind everyone, terrified I was going to shatter my ankles and die. (Can do positive thinking!) Jake kept saying, “She can do this, she doesn’t even know what a badass she is” and he kept ditching me. I was getting so pissed off. This dude would literally do handstands on boulders, as I’m fearing for my life; I’m terrified of heights, too.
Something changed in me, though. I started seeing how to do it, where to put my feet. It became Tetris to me. When I came down the mountain, I was grinning from ear to ear. Jake smiled at me and said, “There she is.” I was laughing hysterically, the other chick we were with was cracking up, “Dude, you climbed a fucking mountain in heels.” Yes, yes I did. Yesterday, in proper footwear, I grabbed my new sister, and we went to play on a mountain. I felt that old fear again, yet it faded into oblivion as we went higher and higher. It was one of the most amazing days of my life.
I told the kids when I got back. They were impressed. Guess who wants to go climb a mountain with Mommy today?
I had a feeling I could inspire some change.