“Mommy climbed a mountain!”

A week or two ago, my oldest said, “Mom, Dad is cooler than you.  He has a motorcycle and a tattoo.” I have to admit, that stung.  For one, his math confused me – I have 3 tattoos, so I don’t entirely understand that.  However, his words actually stung because it was a truth I did not want to hear.  I had lost myself again.  When I was married, Evan (my ex-husband/their dad) begged me to find joy, interests, passions, etc. At the time, all I did was read.  This is not, in any way, bad, but what lit me up?  I was so miserable in life and marriage, that I was not even listening to music.  When we separated, the first re-connection I made to my true self was coming back to my love and passion of music.

Lately, though, I have been struggling with my emotions and mind.  Depression, anxiety, and an overwhelming sense of despair were my wake ups combined with coffee and melancholy.  I have not been pleasant to be around more often than not, but I had accepted it as a storm that must pass.  Solemn, somber, quiet would be apt descriptions, which is not bad, as I do love being contemplative.  I was veering into whining territory, though.  To know me is to know that I am rarely serious.  I love to laugh, be capricious, spontaneous, random, passionate, and SILLY.

To know me is to know that the first time I climbed a mountain, I did it in heels.  My boyfriend at the time, 2 friends, and I climbed a mountain the day after he and I saw Puscifer.  I was not dressed for the occasion in my sexy boots (I looked DAMN fine that night, Maynard totally saw me…in my dreams…possibly…) I digress… Anyway, we climbed a mountain. I was lagging behind everyone, terrified I was going to shatter my ankles and die.  (Can do positive thinking!) Jake kept saying, “She can do this, she doesn’t even know what a badass she is” and he kept ditching me.  I was getting so pissed off.  This dude would literally do handstands on boulders, as I’m fearing for my life; I’m terrified of heights, too.

Something changed in me, though.  I started seeing how to do it, where to put my feet.  It became Tetris to me.  When I came down the mountain, I was grinning from ear to ear.  Jake smiled at me and said, “There she is.” I was laughing hysterically, the other chick we were with was cracking up, “Dude, you climbed a fucking mountain in heels.”  Yes, yes I did.  Yesterday, in proper footwear, I grabbed my new sister, and we went to play on a mountain.  I felt that old fear again, yet it faded into oblivion as we went higher and higher.  It was one of the most amazing days of my life.


I told the kids when I got back.  They were impressed.  Guess who wants to go climb a mountain with Mommy today?

I had a feeling I could inspire some change.

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