In every moment, I’m older than I’ve ever been and the youngest I’ll ever be. In every moment, I’d say then, I’m the best and worst I can possibly be. I find that really motivating and humbling. Every step I take, I either choose to offer my very best or my very worst in that moment. It makes me want to give my best. My oldest/youngest/best/worst means I’m perpetually changing moment to moment. I’m every step and misstep, which still leads me to sitting on my patio in the sunshine typing here – as an aside, concrete and my butt do not mix well.
I am grateful because I remember who I am. I am no one. My kids would say I’m the best Mom ever, but who am I? I can give you adjectives, but everyone has adjectives. I am not an adjective. I am not a diagnosis. Anything I tell you would be a label, and that label would change me. I would say I am blessed.
Jesus said to forgive to be blessed. Nietzsche said, “Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their errors.” At the same time, Einstein said “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.”
Trying to forget my past has made me repeat my mistakes. Every time I have forgotten, I have learned more. Every time I have stumbled, I have risen stronger. To change anything would change everything. It doesn’t matter the who, what, or where, because I’m here listening to birds overhead and Heather Nova on YouTube. My current obsession is Jung. He took Freud a step further to develop the sense that there is more than Ego, SuperEgo, and Id. I am reading lots of psychology, philosophy, and listening to Puscifer (3 P’s of a good time, if you ask me) Karma has been on my mind lately, but I think I missed the jist, because I thought it was a running tally of all of my fuck ups.
If I mash Nietzsche, Jung, Freud, & Maynard together:
Buddha did not like Karma being described as good or bad. I read a story where a monk had been flogging himself in penance for his bad Karma. Buddha asked him when he’d know to stop, and the monk said he did not. Buddha said, well eventually you’d be flogging an innocent man, reaping more bad karma.
With that in mind, I’m going to start viewing my past, present, and future in the same vein. I cannot forget anything, nor can I change it, and that is my blessing. There is no reason to be burdened by it, though. In every sense, I have changed, because change happens perpetually. To continue punishing myself for my past, is the definition of insanity.
More to the point, I’m beating an innocent butt. My butt and my best evolve. I can do squats with my daughter on my back now, before I couldn’t squat. I went hiking twice this weekend, last week I spent most of my time in bed. Karma was on my mind in the sense of overcoming my past. Forgiveness, obviously, but what is next? I’ve become grateful, because everything for better or worse has made me. Even being grateful did not fully connect. What if I stop, then, making it separate? Something that must be overcome?
I don’t like to take myself seriously, so I started laughing when I realized that my past/demons are actually a joke I keep telling myself. The joke is, “Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?” It’s hard to feel overcome, I’d suppose, if I realize I can choose to be. I choose to put my best butt forward.
Time to take my poopies hiking!