Control freak would be an easy descriptor for me. I also swing to helpless damsel in distress. Lately, I’m just trying to look in the mirror and tell myself to smile. Is my life a mess right now? Yep. Am I hanging on by threads? Honestly, I have no idea. I’m currently convinced that my life is ending any moment.
Isn’t that the truth, though? Every inhale I take is an exhalation closer to death. I, however, am consumed with all of my past breaths that I’m overlooking the simple beauty of the present. By every societal measure, I was a successful person. Great career, “self made” woman? Motivated, dedicated, creative. I made all my dreams come true. I also cheated on my husband, accepted a lot of abuse, and doled out a lot of abuse/manipulation.
I have allowed this knowledge to choke the very smile off of my face lately. In these moments, I find hope. I’m convinced I will lose my house, job, children, life as I know it, because I am currently too overwhelmed to deal with my life. That creates an opportunity, because I find myself unafraid to just babble. I realize that everything is completely out of my control, and that is the best place for it. It’s the most relaxed I can get, to be honest. I’m proud of myself for a few simple things – I started reading books again, I am writing here again, and I am reminding myself to stay mindful and present again. Right now, my big dream is to sleep through the night or to quiet my mind long enough (or the screaming ringing in my ears) to just be content and smile.
I took my kids to see my family, we sang happy birthday to my uncle who just turned 50. He had a stroke many years ago, and it made me so happy to see him smiling at my kids. I took pictures and sent them to my dad, because I thought it would make him smile.
I just don’t see what I have to complain about, because I am what I am.
The one question that had been consuming me for so long – Did My Mental Illness Ruin My Marriage? Did Mental Illness Ruin My Relationships with (friends, boyfriend)?
Today, I will type a word that will give me peace. Maybe. For years, I have struggled with “Yes, I am crazy and I ruined everything” and “No, everyone hates me”
What if I just say, maybe? The catharsis in that alone. My diagnoses change constantly, medications revolve constantly. The truth is usually simple enough that I am driving myself and letting others opinions of me drive me crazy. I am glued to my phone, social media, etc. to get a gauge on how I should feel, or what other people think of ___. I am a grown woman, and I am fully accountable for all of my mistakes – including obsesssively messaging my ex boyfriend for months without response, inability to let go of my marriage, inability to let go of past demons, and immaturity.
The only truth I know is love. True unconditional love. I, however, have a tendency to chase unrequited or unhealthy love from myself and others, which I give to others. It is pain being passed around. So what if I were to say – maybe everything that has happened since yesterday is the best thing that ever happened to me, because it makes me the person I am sitting here? Maybe, if I acknowledge that I am deeply flawed, I will have some mental capacity to actually get back to my center.
Lack of faith in myself, those I love, and the universe around me has caused me much chaos and pain. Faith is something that can easily be shaken and lost. I believe, though, faith and happiness can be brought back quickly, by re-framing perception. My basics have always been Yoga, Meditation, Writing.
Maybe every person that I have loved has become better for it and vice versa? I am still in a lot of emotional pain, and I am still struggling with understanding and managing my triggers, and I am still struggling with forgiving myself for the things I have done wrong, because I am not perfect. I am forcing myself to stay in a prison of negative self talk, forgetfulness, triggers, and self pity because I struggle with making the right changes. I also try to chuckle at my scatter brained nature. I cannot find my cell phone more often than I can. I lose my keys, temper, confidence, and focus perpetually. I look at rules as meant to be broken, and I used to score keep. I get obsessed with people, things, bands, concepts. I have become completely antisocial and frankly scared of people. I am so easily overwhelmed by everything, that most of my time is now spent hiding in my bedroom. I tend to ask for advice from everyone and do the opposite or follow blindly. I have so many “I’s” in my head, that it is difficult to know who the leader is.
Confidence and beauty come from acceptance. Love comes from accepting I am not perfect, my mental health is not in good shape currently, and I will work to improve. I have so many books to read to help me get my brain re-organized! There are people who love me for me and people who fear me for all of my instability. Then there is me, who just desperately wants to smile and make others smile. As I was standing in the mental hospital feeling my brain hurting from lack of oxygen, feeling my sanity slip away from my inability to stop my fear and anxiety, I knew what death feels like, and I know that I still feel like I am dying.
Sometimes, you check your bank account, you realize that your leave is going to ruin you financially, and you say well, maybe I should just write a poem or two. I am reminding myself to meditate on “To be what I am to become” and I do not believe self obsessed negative narcissist was in my cards. I have no idea what is going to happen, or how I can “fix” it, and today, my body was too exhausted to do anything more than sleep. Maybe that’s a step in the right direction. I cannot change, improve, or re-frame anything if I continue to hurt myself.
Give me the serenity to trust that I am surrounded by love, even if my eyes cannot see it or my heart cannot understand it. The courage to speak and act with love. The wisdom to understand myself and my mind to improve my perception to see my abundance. Heal me.
“Don’t worry…about a thing, cause every little thing, will be alright child”~Bob Marley
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